They don't require washing or cutting. They're not sticky and don't drip juice everywhere. And they come in their own biodegradable packaging. A 10/10 on my scale.
1. There is a ripeness indicator
2. Built-in opener
3. A forehead sticker as a gift
— And who is Sasha Grey?
— Sir Alexander Grey (January 6, 1882 – February 17, 1968) was a Scottish economist, poet, and translator.
— So why is everyone jerking off to him?
— We are an intellectual society here, you know.
A modernized distribution of Invision Power Board 1.3, fully patched for PHP 8.x and MariaDB compatibility. This project preserves the classic, lightweight «pre-bloat» UI of the early 2000s while ensuring it runs securely and efficiently on modern server stacks.
Key Features
- PHP 8.x Ready: Comprehensive patches for legacy code to eliminate deprecated function errors and syntax issues.
- MySQLi Implementation: Replaced the legacy mysql driver with mysqli for modern database connectivity.
- MariaDB Support: Optimized for MariaDB and MySQL 8+ environments using utf8mb4 encoding by default.
- Slim Installer: A streamlined sm_install.php that handles environment checks, mysqli configuration, and admin setup.
- Performance Focused: Maintained the original lightweight footprint with native CSS and minimal JavaScript dependencies.
Modern Enhancements
- IBF Portal 4.0: Fully integrated portal system to transform your forum into a community hub.
- TinyMCE Integration: Replaced the legacy posting interface with a modernized TinyMCE editor for a better rich-text experience.
- HTML Purifier: Integrated a modernized standalone security engine to protect against XSS and fix broken HTML tags.
- Security Patches: Fixed legacy issues with search result insertions and anti-spam image generation.
Installation
- Database: Create a new database and import the provided SQL dump via phpMyAdmin or Adminer.
- Upload: Upload the repository files to your web directory.
- Configure: Run sm_install.php in your browser.
- Security: Once the conf_global.php is generated, delete sm_install.php from your server immediately.
UI/UX Philosophy
This project stays true to the «classic» aesthetic. We prioritize the original Invision Power Board 1.3 layout over «modern» social-media-style interfaces, ensuring the board remains fast, familiar, and highly customizable.
{brands%github} GitHub: https://github.com/madromas/IPB-1.3-PHP8-Modernized
Developed & Maintained for the Modern Web.
I’m a lawyer, and right now I’m handling the strangest—and funniest—case of my career. The plaintiff and the defendant work in the same office complex. It turns out the plaintiff occasionally takes photos of women while they’re using the toilet from the adjacent stall—even though the restroom is clearly divided into separate Men's and Women's sections. Well, one day the defendant was taking a leak, and the plaintiff tried to snap a picture. She spotted his hand holding the phone peeking out from underneath the stall divider… and she peed all over it. Afterward, the plaintiff got thoroughly thrashed right there in the ladies' room and had his head dunked in the toilet bowl. The guys at the office have since dubbed him «Golden Hand»; they refuse to shake his hand and just howl with laughter whenever they see him. His reputation has officially hit rock bottom. I’m currently trying to defend him on charges of property damage—I’m not even bothering to argue for emotional distress. This is, without a doubt, the most delightful case I’ve ever handled.
My dad is a well-deserved retiree now; he spent his entire working life at the same industrial plant. They had a tragic incident there once. A woman returned from vacation with only a month and a half left to work before she could retire. She had spent twenty years working at that very workstation. On that particular day, she was reprimanded several times for failing to wear a headscarf, as required by workplace safety regulations. She just laughed it off, cracked jokes, and arrogantly boasted about her vast experience—claiming she could do her job even with her eyes closed. Then, just like in the darkest of jokes, Murphy’s Law kicked in. By the end of her shift, her hair got caught in a rotating spool; her head was yanked in right after it, and the machinery didn't stop until her head was completely torn off. So much for experience; so much for seniority. If only she had been wearing that headscarf, none of this would have happened.
I was walking down the street in a short, light dress—and no bra underneath. It started pouring rain, and I got absolutely soaked through. My dress became completely see-through; you could see my breasts and nipples clearly. As I walked, the hem kept riding up past my panties—and even higher… I caught so many guys staring! Such lust in their eyes… And for some reason, it turned me on big time.
I had this fucked-up acquaintance, and one time at a house party, he was acting like a total jackass and pulling some crazy stunts. Long story short, he licked a power outlet—and got electrocuted!
He was screaming his head off, blood was somehow pouring out of his shorts, and we were absolutely fucking stunned… We called an ambulance… It turned out that the massive electric shock had made his testicles burst...
Holy fucking shit!
I’m a theater student. I can’t watch porn—it’s all so staged and unnatural, especially when the actresses look right into the camera. Guys are fucking them in every hole, yet they’re batting their eyelashes at the lens and moaning for show. I don’t buy it, goddammit! I DON’T BUY IT! Come on, just fuck each other for real—full Stanislavski method—otherwise there’s nothing for me to jerk off to! :(
I met a sweet, petite woman. A real Thumbelina with an angelic voice. We dated for about a month, and everything seemed wonderful—at least to me. One day, she suggested we spice up our sex life; naturally, I agreed—I love to experiment. The idea was to incorporate various sex toys. But imagine my surprise when she pulled a massive dildo out of her dresser—as thick as a salami and about 30 centimeters long. That monster slid into her tiny body with absolute ease. And that’s when my insecurities came crashing down on me...
My boyfriend and I live with his parents. In the summer, they stay at their country house; in the winter, they live with us. We did a deep clean of the apartment just before they were due to arrive the next day. We scrubbed everything spotless—she even watered all her little plants and whatnot. She walked through the apartment, scrutinizing every corner, and finally declared: «Holy shit, you guys actually cleaned up! There’s absolutely nothing for me to nitpick.» Then she just walked away in silence.
Today, a female friend of mine offered me a tidy sum of money in exchange for permission to sleep with my boyfriend...
Today, I got zapped by static electricity from my boyfriend’s penis. I was about to give him a blowjob, and the moment my upper lip—and part of my teeth—brushed against the head of his cock, a jolt of electricity shot right through them. My teeth actually went numb for about ten seconds. I have no idea how that’s physically possible, but it certainly wasn't a pleasant sensation. My very first thought afterward was: «Well, talk about sparks flying between us!» The penis itself remained unharmed (it didn't get zapped).
Back in my distant childhood, every spring we’d make a point of collecting birch sap. However, the older kids would always beat us to it, swiping all the fruits of our labor and leaving us with nothing but empty containers. That is, until one of us—the bravest of the bunch—decided to take a leak right into one of their bottles...
Other Trash Stories
A story has gone viral on that 𝕏 platform about a guy who really wanted to sleep with an acquaintance's wife. To make it happen, he decided to trick them into a swinger scenario—a wife swap. His own wife, however, was completely in the dark; she certainly wouldn't have supported his scheme, and besides, he had no desire to actually «serve up» his own wife to another man. So, he hired a stunning escort who played the part to perfection. And while the other guy was enthusiastically occupied with the hired woman, our hero got exactly what he wanted: his wife.
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