As a teenager, I used to masturbate using the long nose of a recently gifted Pinocchio plush toy. Naturally, the toy eventually got misplaced, and my mother decided to give it away to a young boy she knew. I felt a mix of emotions when I saw the little guy joyfully tugging at the nose of his new gift.

I work as a manicurist, and I can easily tell by a woman's hands whether she frequently satisfies herself with her fingers—the skin on the hands changes in a specific way. Of course, I can't exactly ask them directly to confirm my observations.

In my youth, I used to masturbate with cucumbers. Later, I went through a whole bunch of different vibrators and dildos—ranging from the cheapest ones to those with astronomical price tags. And let me tell you, after all these years, it feels absolutely amazing to go back to my roots! (Female, 31 years old-still masturbating with cucumbers!)

I’m trying to turn myself into a sort of Pavlovian dog. I masturbate while listening to a few specific songs I’ve chosen, waiting for the reflex to kick in—the urge to get aroused whenever I hear those particular tracks.

One day, while doing abs at the gym, I made a discovery. When using the leg-raise machine—specifically when you pull your legs up while keeping your knees bent—it’s actually possible to achieve an orgasm. It’s quite an experience: feeling that intense pleasure while surrounded by a crowd of people, none of whom have the slightest clue what’s going on. The main thing is to be careful with it; you really need to be able to control your body movements right at the peak of pleasure!

I had some porn playing on my iPad and was lying on the couch, masturbating. I heard a noise outside the window but didn't really think anything of it. I climaxed, then glanced over at the window—and there, hovering right outside, was a quadcopter drone with a camera! I rushed over to the window, but it had already flown off somewhere behind the buildings. Now, every single day, I frantically scour all the popular porn sites—terrified that someone might upload that video!

I’ve been masturbating since childhood by squeezing my legs together in a specific way. For a long time, I didn't see any problem with this, but when I entered into a serious relationship and things progressed to sex… I realized that I couldn't feel anything at all. Neither clitoral stimulation—whether with fingers or a tongue—nor penetration… *nothing* gave me any pleasure; it only caused discomfort. I tried to retrain myself, but to no avail. It feels like I’m destined to be a total «dead fish» in bed for the rest of my life.

We went to Moscow the other day and stayed right in the city center—a five-star hotel with all the trimmings. My absolute favorite memory from the trip? A high-tech Japanese-style toilet with a built-in bidet function. I actually climaxed twice before I figured out how to turn the water off.

Whenever I masturbate while lying in the bathtub, I always get this irrational feeling that if I open my eyes, I’ll see someone standing right over me. I have no idea where this bizarre fear came from. I live alone, so there’s theoretically nothing to worry about—but for some reason, that just seems to make the fear even more intense.

My sister asked me to order a dildo for her. She messages me every single day asking if it’s arrived yet… But I’ve actually had it for a week already. It’s been unboxed. It’s been used—repeatedly. And it shows no signs of making its way to its rightful owner anytime soon. I feel guilty about it, but I just don't want to give it back to her. I have a feeling she’s going to start getting suspicious pretty soon. It would be pretty funny if a rubber dick turned out to be the thing that drove a wedge between us.

I actually choked on my own saliva while I was masturbating the other day. I choked so hard, in fact, that while I was coughing my lungs out, I was convinced I was going to crack a rib. I was absolutely terrified. If I can't even handle masturbation, what hope is there for actual sex?

Back when I was still living with my parents, I used to load up the washing machine, turn it on, lock myself in the bathroom, and masturbate to the sound of the cycle running. Doing the laundry was basically just my excuse to get some privacy. I’ve been living alone for ages now, but to this day, whenever I turn on the washing machine-I get turned on.

When I asked my friend what she was going to get me for my birthday, she laughed and said she’d give me a vibrator or a dildo; in the end, though, she gave me a gold chain with a cute little pendant. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this disappointed...

Some people go out and buy pricey vibrators and other sex toys, but all I need is two minutes with my oooold electric toothbrush. It’s long since become useless for cleaning teeth, but it delivers amazing orgasms.

— This toy store sucks. There’s not even any Xbox games.

— Have you ever heard the story of the rich old man and the stray dog?

— No, sounds crappy.

— There was once a very old man, and one day he came across a stray dog. Well, he decided to take that dog home with him. And that dog went straight to the fire and rolled himself up in an old rug and started chewing on an old bone. Over the years, the old man bought the dog lots of expensive beds, lots of expensive meals, much better than most people get to eat. But that dog always went back to the old rug and that old bone, because he knew that that was all he really needed.

— Now, who do you think you are in this story?

— Let me guess, the rich old man who didn’t know that happiness comes from the simple things in life?

— No, you are the runny shit the dog would take every morning because he had canine colitis from living on the street so long. Now get the fuck out of my store.