It's a friend's birthday. He doesn't drink alcohol. I decided to congratulate him, like, here are some candies to seduce women and condoms to avoid the consequences. At the store, I put a box of candies and condoms at the checkout.

The cashier winked:

— Maybe you'd like some champagne?

I:

— No, thank you, he doesn't drink...

Cashier: 

When we were coming up in the 2000s, you’d see these people on screen — celebrities, massive stars, household names -  pulling in millions. You figured they were set for life. They had the mansions, the entourage, the ridiculous excess, planes and you honestly thought they were untouchable.

Then you hit 2026 and see them popping up in some soul-crushing, 30-second spot for a predatory payday lender or some bottom-tier, fly-by-night company that you know is a scam. Or a dumb ass casino app. It’s impossible not to look at that and think, «Damn, they actually hit rock bottom.» They burned through every cent of that fortune, and now they’re hawking garbage just to keep the lights on. It’s not just a career shift; it’s a humiliating, pathetic freefall from grace. The «extras» used to be the ones you didn't notice, but seeing a former icon reduced to a commercial shill for the cheapest companies on Earth? That’s the real tragedy.

1. It takes longer to recover from everything! You might need a whole week to bounce back after a night of heavy drinking.

2. You go to bed feeling fine, only to wake up with a pulled muscle somewhere that takes days to heal.

3. What the hell is going on with all that hair in my ears and nose? Why did it suddenly decide to start growing?

4. All your old injuries come back to haunt you. That knee you banged up during sports practice in school starts acting up! You can hurt your back just by lifting a bag of groceries. Your eyes are always red, not just after a late night at the computer.

5. My body really started to decline after age 45. It’s still healthy and functional, but I have to be more careful about diet, exercise, and things like that.

6. You have to use the bathroom more often.

7. I like to joke that when I turned 40, my «check engine» light came on. You get random aches and pains that come and go—and sometimes stick around for good. If you get injured, expect the healing time to be at least two or three times longer than it was in your school days. It’s the same with illnesses; you can’t shake off a cold as fast as you used to.

8. I hardly drink anymore—hangovers suck, but alcohol also makes my heart race. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding as if I were working out.

9. I broke my left wrist back in elementary school. Once the cast came off, everything was fine. I broke my right wrist about 40 years later, and I needed physical therapy after the cast came off just to get normal movement back in my hand. I asked if it was because of the fracture, and I was told no; the stiffness and soreness were because it had been in a cast for six weeks. I needed therapy for my arm simply because it had been immobilized. Stay active and keep your bodies moving, people.

10. Let’s be realistic. Sometimes you wake up feeling strangely tired, and it doesn't go away all day.

11. Your body is going to ache either way. But it’s up to you: do you want soreness from exercise or soreness from a lack of exercise?

12. I’ve noticed the skin on my hands has become much thinner and more sensitive than before. I feel like Cassandra from *Doctor Who*.

13. My body started deteriorating much more rapidly after age 45. I have to be careful to take proper care of myself, exercise, and so on. But now I look old, and people treat me differently because of it—and that’s sad.

14. As women get older, their breasts start to sag. If you don't do anything about it, your boobs can end up touching your knees when you sit down. But nobody warned us about that when we were young.

15. This year, I started waking up in the middle of the night—around 3 a.m. I go to the bathroom, and then I can't get back to sleep for an hour.

16. If you’re a woman, menopause starts around this age. You don't realize how much hormones affect your body's overall functioning until they start going haywire. Terrible, irregular periods, acne, hair loss, weight issues, extreme fatigue and muscle atrophy, wild mood swings, inability to concentrate. Fun times ahead.

17. My dick stopped getting hard. My hair started falling out. The eyes stopped seeing. The brain stopped remembering.

Don't you worry, we are still running this site. Believe it or not, there has been nothing interesting on internet in a while. Enjoy!

Guys, you have no idea—absolutely no idea—with what ease and speed these bloodthirsty, ruthless harpies can destroy your relationship, and do it so fast that you won't even have time to figure out what hit you.

But now, on to the story.

I was seeing a girl; everything was going well, and after about four months, we decided to try living together. If anyone thinks that’s moving too fast, there’s a nuance: we had known each other for a long time—our paths just hadn't crossed romantically until then—so we weren't exactly strangers to one another.

So, we’re living together; everything is fine, and there isn't a single sign of trouble on the horizon.

At some point, however, she started communicating much more frequently with her female friends—the ones she’d kept from her college days. She told me she hadn't been in touch with them before because her ex-boyfriend had forbidden it. At the time, I thought, «No big deal.» I figured, «Let her talk to them; it’s not like I mind» (and boy, was I wrong...).

As time went on, misunderstandings began to crop up between us—along with strange hints on her part that something was «off» in our relationship, that she was starting to feel dissatisfied, that she was unhappy about this or that—basically, a bunch of murky nonsense that seemed to come out of nowhere (though later, of course, it became perfectly clear where it came from).

Eventually, things escalated to the point where she started telling me—almost openly—that we probably weren't right for each other, that she needed someone else, and that it was high time for her to get married and have kids. This was despite the fact that, initially, she had said she wasn't ready yet and didn't plan on any of that for another three to five years. (I firmly believe that this is a topic that needs to be discussed *before* you get serious.)

Ultimately—and naturally—we broke up. I simply didn't need that kind of emotional rollercoaster in my life. But oh well—screw it. These things happen. Later on—after some time had passed—I learned from mutual acquaintances that those very same girlfriends of hers (all of whom were either single moms themselves or whose own love lives were a complete trainwreck) had been whispering in my ex’s ear, telling her that I wasn’t the right match for her, that there was no future with me, and so on and so forth. And she, of course, listened to them.

Then, true to form, she quickly hooked up with some guy who—without giving it a second thought—knocked her up; yet he never proposed, and a couple of months later, he simply rode off into the sunset.

That’s the kind of «friends» some people have!

1. Shoot at the gas tank of the car and it will explode, turning into a huge fireball. Although, if you shoot from a rocket launcher, then yes.

2. Enter several commands into the computer and magically hack extremely complex systems.

3. Living in a huge apartment in Manhattan, while you work as a bicycle courier, and your roommate works in a coffee shop. And you don't deny yourself anything.

4. 100 bad guys against a hero. The bad guys are coming at him one at a time. Always.

5. The villain is wasting his time instead of killing the main character right now.

6. Knock down the lock with a pistol. Unless it's made of very cheap non-hardened steel, a bullet hit will simply deform it from the inside, and it won't be able to be opened with a key.

7. A random person without any prior training, etc. is selected to perform a special task, which he subsequently successfully copes with.

8. The hawk makes noises every time it is shown.

9. Shooting a gun in a car or small enclosed space, and no one will get long-term hearing damage. Guns, especially pistols, are very loud, and when the sound bounces off walls or objects, it is greatly amplified.

10. You turn on the fire alarm, and the sprinklers start pouring water. Also, the water inside these sprinklers is disgusting.

11. A policeman staged a 30-minute violent shootout in the city center, which killed 7 suspects, blew up 5 cars and destroyed two buildings. The only consequence? The captain is very, very angry!!! «If this happens again, I'll take your badge!»

12. Turning on the news exactly at the moment when the corresponding part of the story is going on.

13. Women with perfect makeup, regardless of whether they cross the Amazon River, wake up after a stormy night, or stay in a cell for several weeks.

14. When I chase someone in a car and he walks, he usually doesn't run in the middle of the road like in the movies.

15. Parking is available in front of the building the character is supposed to enter. This. Never. Not. Happens. Never.

16. Sometimes, very rarely, women lie because they are sick, not just because they are pregnant.

17. The absence of significant paperwork typical of any police action movie.

18. You walk into a bar and say, «I'll have a beer.» And the bartender just pours you a beer without asking what brand you want.

19. Someone dies, they resuscitate him with a defibrillator, and after that he feels great, even without going to the doctor for an examination.

20. Fired 20 times from a revolver without reloading.

My girlfriend and I once had a fight. But we were both generally calm and reasonable; we didn't yell, just argued. We didn't reach any conclusions and decided to put the conversation off because I had to go to work. We were living separately. The next day, I thought, «Well, she's wrong, let her call first.» She must have thought the same thing. It's been 11 years since then, and we still haven't spoken.