I gave Scary Movie 6 a shot. Lasted about 15 minutes before I had to kill it. It’s just pure, cringe garbage.

At first, I wondered if I was just getting old—you know, the «old man yelling at clouds» thing. But then I realized I still go back and watch the first four movies all the time. The difference is simple: the old Scary Movie films were built on actual, decent movies.

Back then, the films they were parodying were actually iconic. They were movies people were watching, quoting, and obsessing over. When the source material is good, the satire works because you recognize what they’re making fun of.

But that formula only works if the movies coming out today are worth watching. Since about 2010, the «blockbusters» have been pretty much «swing and a miss», and a lot of them just feel like soulless, corporate woke garbage. If the movie you’re trying to make fun of is already boring or unwatchable, the parody is going to be even worse.

The Scary Movie franchise didn’t lose its touch because the comedy changed; it lost its touch because the movies it’s supposed to be mocking stopped being entertaining. You can’t make good satire out of shit content.

I mean, what the fuck is this annoying, ugly shit??? Maybe you have to be a 𝕏 junkie to know this waste.

I swear, this is upsetting. Why? let me explain. Back in a day, when you wanted to play a game on PC, shit, any game will do. You get a CD or you download the game and that's it, you are ready to play. Old PC no problem.

And now. Downloaded a game Diablo II Resurrected Infernal Edition

And guess what? My computer is not to specs… It's one year old computer. Frustrating that in order to play games on PC now days you have to spend $$$ on upgrades(memory cards, graphic cards, rams and shit).

In reality, you want to play game? Go buy a GAMING PC. 

Why are you sad, my darling? Why are you hurting, my dear? Why are you so downcast again? What are you always—you cunt—unhappy about? Remember all the plush gifts I brought you in bright little bags? Remember how I fed you sushi at the sushi bar? Darling, don't cry! For God's sake, don't cry! That gloomy mug of yours upsets me. I didn't meet anyone else for six months—I was like Santa Claus to you! Didn't we sit at McDonald's? Didn't we go to Coffee House?! I really didn't meet anyone else; I showed up for dates with tulips! And you, you bitch, you ruin these performances with your fucking tears. Darling, don't cry! For God's sake, don't cry! That gloomy mug of yours upsets me. And the weather is sad. Rain is spattering the glass, and your stupid mug is all tear-stained to hell...

© Mikhail Elizarov

It's a friend's birthday. He doesn't drink alcohol. I decided to congratulate him, like, here are some candies to seduce women and condoms to avoid the consequences. At the store, I put a box of candies and condoms at the checkout.

The cashier winked:

— Maybe you'd like some champagne?

I:

— No, thank you, he doesn't drink...

Cashier: 

When we were coming up in the 2000s, you’d see these people on screen — celebrities, massive stars, household names -  pulling in millions. You figured they were set for life. They had the mansions, the entourage, the ridiculous excess, planes and you honestly thought they were untouchable.

Then you hit 2026 and see them popping up in some soul-crushing, 30-second spot for a predatory payday lender or some bottom-tier, fly-by-night company that you know is a scam. Or a dumb ass casino app. It’s impossible not to look at that and think, «Damn, they actually hit rock bottom.» They burned through every cent of that fortune, and now they’re hawking garbage just to keep the lights on. It’s not just a career shift; it’s a humiliating, pathetic freefall from grace. The «extras» used to be the ones you didn't notice, but seeing a former icon reduced to a commercial shill for the cheapest companies on Earth? That’s the real tragedy.

1. It takes longer to recover from everything! You might need a whole week to bounce back after a night of heavy drinking.

2. You go to bed feeling fine, only to wake up with a pulled muscle somewhere that takes days to heal.

3. What the hell is going on with all that hair in my ears and nose? Why did it suddenly decide to start growing?

4. All your old injuries come back to haunt you. That knee you banged up during sports practice in school starts acting up! You can hurt your back just by lifting a bag of groceries. Your eyes are always red, not just after a late night at the computer.

5. My body really started to decline after age 45. It’s still healthy and functional, but I have to be more careful about diet, exercise, and things like that.

6. You have to use the bathroom more often.

7. I like to joke that when I turned 40, my «check engine» light came on. You get random aches and pains that come and go—and sometimes stick around for good. If you get injured, expect the healing time to be at least two or three times longer than it was in your school days. It’s the same with illnesses; you can’t shake off a cold as fast as you used to.

8. I hardly drink anymore—hangovers suck, but alcohol also makes my heart race. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding as if I were working out.

9. I broke my left wrist back in elementary school. Once the cast came off, everything was fine. I broke my right wrist about 40 years later, and I needed physical therapy after the cast came off just to get normal movement back in my hand. I asked if it was because of the fracture, and I was told no; the stiffness and soreness were because it had been in a cast for six weeks. I needed therapy for my arm simply because it had been immobilized. Stay active and keep your bodies moving, people.

10. Let’s be realistic. Sometimes you wake up feeling strangely tired, and it doesn't go away all day.

11. Your body is going to ache either way. But it’s up to you: do you want soreness from exercise or soreness from a lack of exercise?

12. I’ve noticed the skin on my hands has become much thinner and more sensitive than before. I feel like Cassandra from *Doctor Who*.

13. My body started deteriorating much more rapidly after age 45. I have to be careful to take proper care of myself, exercise, and so on. But now I look old, and people treat me differently because of it—and that’s sad.

14. As women get older, their breasts start to sag. If you don't do anything about it, your boobs can end up touching your knees when you sit down. But nobody warned us about that when we were young.

15. This year, I started waking up in the middle of the night—around 3 a.m. I go to the bathroom, and then I can't get back to sleep for an hour.

16. If you’re a woman, menopause starts around this age. You don't realize how much hormones affect your body's overall functioning until they start going haywire. Terrible, irregular periods, acne, hair loss, weight issues, extreme fatigue and muscle atrophy, wild mood swings, inability to concentrate. Fun times ahead.

17. My dick stopped getting hard. My hair started falling out. The eyes stopped seeing. The brain stopped remembering.