Once, when I was little (about 2 or 3 years old), I was out for a walk with my dad and felt the urge to take a dump. There was absolutely nothing nearby—EXCEPT for a traffic police car. Dad hated the police because they’d once fined him for drunk driving. So my dear old dad hoisted me up onto the—wait for it—TRAFFIC POLICE CAR. With a smile on my face, I proceeded to take a dump right on the hood. Just then, a police officer emerged from around the corner of the building where the car was parked. He walked out to find this scene: a small child shitting on the hood of his patrol car, while some guy stood there cackling with laughter. As soon as my dad spotted the cop, he took off running—bolted like hell. HE JUST BAILLED. Later, my mom had to go to the police station to pick me up.

A friend of mine was cheating on her husband with his best friend. The friend got into a car accident and lost a lot of blood. Her husband told her that the friend had tested positive for HIV. She was absolutely terrified and fainted on the spot. For another week afterward, she couldn't bring herself to get tested. Eventually, it turned out the test was negative. It was the husband's revenge. The friend, terrified that he was going to die, had decided to make a confession and beg the husband for forgiveness. Before filing for divorce, the husband decided to mess with his wife's head. Now, due to all the stress and fear, she has suddenly developed a host of health issues. Maybe I’m a terrible friend, but I honestly think my friend's husband came up with the perfect revenge.

My dad found three rubber dildos belonging to my sister and ceremoniously burned them in the backyard. The smell of burning rubber reeked throughout the entire neighborhood, while my sister wept hysterically—after all, she’d blown nearly 15,000 of her own savings on them.

My girlfriend and I decided to move in together. We rented a place and started buying household supplies. And then, all of a sudden, my girlfriend—exclaiming, «Look what I can do!»—sat down right on our brand-new toilet brush! My eyes! I can't bring myself to sleep with her anymore! She’s funny, she’s good around the house, and she’s a genuinely good person… but I simply cannot unsee that image! We haven't had sex for two months now, and I honestly don't know what to do...

My father used to tell a story about how things turned out for a friend of his. The friend decided to play a prank on his young wife—a prank in the style of the 90s, as that was the era they were living in at the time. She came home to find her husband tied up with a gag in his mouth, while a hulking brute in a mask was roaming around the apartment. Without a second thought, she grabbed a heavy cast-iron frying pan and smashed him over the back of the head—so hard that when they finally removed his mask, bloody chunks of brain tissue fell out onto the floor. She was sentenced to eight years in prison; my dad’s friend waited for his wife and visited her regularly. They even conceived a child while she was behind bars. She was granted parole after serving six years. A few years later, she stabbed her husband to death and went back to prison; their child was sent to an orphanage. No one knows what became of her after that—such is the irony of family life.

As a child, I was deeply attached to my stepfather. I loved him even more than I loved my mother. At the slightest sign of trouble, I would immediately run to him. He was the closest person in the world to me. We lived together in perfect harmony for eight years. My mother’s decision to leave him came as a devastating blow to me, and her refusal to let me stay in touch with him felt like a death sentence. The other day, I got into an argument with my mom and told her that she had robbed me of my father. In response, she revealed that she had endured years of misery solely for my sake—and that he had actually been a tyrant and a pervert in the bedroom. She finally left him when he brought another man home and tried to orchestrate a threesome. My poor mom...

My girlfriends have no idea that I secretly vet their boyfriends. Every time a new man enters one of their lives, I send him some of my nude photos (I have a ton of those floating around online). If the guy immediately puts me in my place, I know he’s someone my friend can trust. And if he starts begging for more, I resort to blunt blackmail—at which point he removes himself from my friend's life entirely. So far, only three guys have passed my loyalty test. The most important thing is to conduct the test right at the beginning, before they’ve developed any serious intentions.

Other Trash Stories

Back when I was young and physically fit, I'd often leave captions on social media for photos of attractive women. Not even captions, just one caption, simple yet utterly provocative. «I'd fuck you!» I'd write. The women's reactions were amusing. Half of them called me all sorts of nasty names, the other half ignored me like I was a freak of nature.

And only one wrote: «Come and fuck me.» And she left her phone number.

So, I'm sitting here with this phone, thinking. I'll go see her. What if instead of a girl, it's her friend with a couple of his friends? Or it's not her in the photo? Or it is her in the photo, but earlier, and now she weighs a hundred kilos and has three chins? Well, even if it is her in the photo and no friends with bats are waiting for me there. So, how can you «fuck» a woman you don't know? What if you have different opinions on it? Or does she have blue nail polish? It's not that easy to want a woman. Something else is needed from me besides her desire. So, I didn't go. And I didn't even call. And I thought a lot. Since then, I don't write on social media «I would fuck.» Because what if they agree. And I'm not ready.

1. While playing Scrabble with my boyfriend, I traded a blowjob for the letter «N» and ended up scoring «equinox» on a Triple Word Score. Maybe not my proudest sexual moment, but definitely my best Scrabble result!

2. My husband has incredible stamina. Last year, on our tenth anniversary, I finally managed to bring him to orgasm using nothing but my hand and my mouth. I was so damn proud—and he was so damn proud—that his gratitude nearly sent me into a seizure.

3. I met my girlfriend's best friend for the first time, and her very first words were: «So *you're* the guy with the magic penis.»

4. I slept with the smartest woman I’ve ever met. She gave me some pills to boost my potency, and she had 10 (TEN) orgasms. I had two. We stopped because my back couldn't take it anymore, and it was 4:30 in the morning. We went on one more date, and then she dumped me. I was living with my parents and was far from having my life together, so no hard feelings.

Marissa, if you’re reading this: good luck to you, and thanks for the wonderful time I spent with you.

5. My girlfriend, her best friend, and I went on a camping trip. On the way there, my girlfriend’s car broke down, so we stayed at a hotel that only had one bed. My girlfriend dropped something under the bed and bent down to retrieve it. I was admiring her butt when I caught the eye of her best friend, who gave me a wink. We exchanged nods, and the rest is—quite literally—sweaty history.

6. I used to work at a large shopping mall that employed several hundred people. I had a fling with a coworker who went around telling everyone that I had a huge dick. Personally, I don't think so. Anyway, because of that, I ended up sleeping with about a dozen women there. Later, I transferred to a different store where—for some reason—everyone quickly found out about it there, too, and I did the exact same thing.

7. Three sisters in a single night—that will forever remain my proudest moment.

8. My girlfriend at the time wanted me to go down on her friend, because her friend's boyfriend wasn't satisfying her in bed—and I was simply magnificent at it. She literally wanted to rent me out to her girlfriends.

I was seeing this one girl. She moved to another city to study, and about a month later, I went to visit her for the weekend.

Incidentally, she was living in a one-room apartment with two roommates. So, late that night—once we’d made sure the girls were asleep—we decided it was time to get a little frisky. But I felt kind of uneasy—awkward with them right there—so I suggested to my darling, «Hey, maybe we should go to the bathroom so we don't disturb their sleep?» To which she replied:

«Oh, it's no big deal; they're used to it by now...»

«Uh… WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, 'USED TO IT'?»

Oh, that awkward moment. You should have seen the sheer horror on her face at what she had just blurted out… What followed was a sleepless night filled with her sobbing and tears; the next morning, I packed my things and left...

I really like this modern forum bullshit approach… People building platforms asking $300 for the shit, that is literally available for free.

Say, it is free. Define fucking free? Free to download? Free to use? What's free now days. Oh look at our cool demo, user ultimately like «Holly shit that looks great! Wowzers» Not. Let me explain.

Free to download.

In some cases it's free to download, BUT limited to how many users you can have or amount of conversations. Yes its free, but locked in. Want to unlock it? Pay = Bait!.

Another case of free. You downloaded it, no limits. Fine… Your sorry ass was looking at nice looking demo, guess what man, that was Premium theme you were looking at, that's $30. Fine! What's one time payment right? Wrong. That was a visual lie to get you in.

Why does your demo (or support forum) have Achievements and my forum do not? — Oh, that is our Achievements plugin — $15. That was an ability forum do not have — Another visual lie.

Well, and Personal profiles, rating, and so on too? Yes, any plugin is extra $10 each. Boom!

Bla bla bla, you sitting there like an asshole who spent $80 on «Free» forum. Congrats. Pay attention to updates, as they also «Premium».

It’s completely absurd to charge for core functionality that has been standard for over 25 years. If you look at the evolution of forums:

• Then:You installed phpBB, vBulletin, or IPB, and you got a full Admin Control Panel, user profiles, ratings, post editing, and avatars out of the box. It was a complete suite.
• Now:They sell you the «core» (which is essentially just a database-to-HTML bridge) and then gatekeep the things that actually make it acommunity. Charging for «user profiles» or «moderation tools» is like buying a car and being told the steering wheel and brakes are «optional premium features.»

Now you are in indefinite loophole of «Paid Subscription».