Basic Weapons For Kids

Original ad:
summer nanny/babysitter needed!!
must watch and entertain kids during the summer. there are ten kids, ages 7 to 9. preferrably looking for a school teacher off for the summer to teach the kids and provide fun activities.


From Mike Partlow to ***********@**********.org

Hello,

I am Staff Sgt. Mike Partlow and I am on a six month leave. I have nothing to do back in the states, and watching your kids sounds like fun. I love kids. I have plenty of activities for them and assure you they will always be kept busy. Let me know if you are interested and we can discuss pay.

Thanks,

SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow,

Thanks for responding! I am interested. Do you have any previous experience with kids? What kind of activities would you do? I am looking for something fun and eductational, and some sports for the boys.

-Donna

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

I have lots of experience with kids from my time in the Middle East. I can teach my expertise to your kids through fun games and activities. I can teach them basic weapons training, close quarters combat, explosive ordinance disposal, and hand-to-hand combat. They will have a blast! I will provide the firearms but I would prefer if you pay for the ammunition. I can make the activities fun and educational. Kids really seem to enjoy basic weapons training when you put it in terms they can understand, for example, I used to teach the Middle Eastern kids how to accurately fire an M203 by a modified version of "pin the tail on the donkey." Instead of a tail, it was a 40mm grenade, and instead of "pinning" it, they fired it from a safe distance. I assure you that safety is my number one concern with the kids, but also, them having fun is my top priority.

SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

Is this a joke? You realize these kids are mostly 7 years old, right?

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

It is never too early to teach your children these basic life skills. I am aware that they are young and will adjust my program accordingly. We will be mostly using the 5.56mm M16A2, which is a great weapon for children. It is gas operated, so the recoil is minimal, making it a perfect gun for children to use. So what were you thinking as far as pay goes? I don't mean to cut to the chase, but I really need a job.
SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

This is absurd. I really hope you aren't serious.

I am not interested. Thanks.

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

I am sorry that you are not interested. You may regret this if your child is ever put in a close quarters combat situation, and doesn't even know how to pop a magazine in his rifle.

If you change your mind and decide you want your kids to grow up to be men, not pussies, let me know.

SSG Partlow

Escalade Bodyguard

Original ad:
2007 Cadillac Escalade for sale - 38,000 miles. Great condition! Asking $40,000. E-mail if interested.


From Mike Partlow to **************@*********.org

Hey,

I have a proposition for you. I will give you $50 if you let me borrow your Escalade for tomorrow night. I have been trying to get a date with this girl, but the only way I was able to get her to go on a date with me was by telling her that I am a very rich and powerful drug dealer. The problem is, I am not a drug dealer, and I actually drive a 91 Honda Accord. She will know I am lying if I pick her up in that. The only chance I have of getting with this chick is if I roll up in your ballin Escalade. If you let me borrow it, on top of giving you $50, I will put a few gallons of gas in it. I promise we will not have sex on your seats.

Please help me out!

Mike

From James ******* to Me

Absolutely not. The car is not for rent!

From Mike Partlow to James ********

James,

I am willing to pay you up to $60 to borrow your Escalade. If you are worried about me messing it up, you can ride with me. In fact, you can drive it. I'll tell her you are my bodyguard. That would actually work out better, I think. Do you look like a bodyguard? You'd have to wear a suit, and possibly one of those earpieces with the coiled cord running down your neck. You should occasionally touch the earpiece to your ear, like you are listening to some badass security chatter. You shouldn't talk have to talk much, just drive and look badass.

Please reconsider my offer.

Mike

From James ******** to Me

No. That is stupid. Maybe you should try asking out a woman that isn't a materialistic gold digger.

From Mike Partlow to James *********

Golddigger or not, this girl's rack is phenominal. Tell you what, if you consider my offer and I end up getting laid, I will try to snap a picture of her tits with my cellphone and send it to you. Trust me, they are great.

Mike

From James ******** to Me

Shut up. You aren't borrowing my car.

From Mike Partlow to James *********

Well James, you are being a cockblocker. I hope next time you are trying to get your D wet, you get the shit cockblocked out of you.

Hybrids Suck

Original ad:
if anyone wants a ride from baltimore to nyc tomorow let me know! i am driving up there sometime tomorow afternoon and would be glad to help someone out if they want to throw up some money for gas. i drive a hybrid, so i wont need much!


From Mike Partlow to *************@*********.org

Hello,

I do need a ride to New York tomorrow. That would be great. My only concern is the fact that you drive a hybrid car. I don't want to give people the idea that I care about the environment. Do you have another, more manly car that we could ride up in? I really don't want to be seen in a hybrid. I'll gladly compensate you for gas.

Mike

From christine ********* to Me

no all i have is my hybrid. what is the big deal, who cares what people think? u should be glad to help the enviroment!

From Mike Partlow to christine **********

I'm sorry Christine but it isn't the 60's anymore. People aren't a bunch of earth-saving hippies that run around and hug trees anymore. Does your car have tinted windows? I really don't want to be seen riding in that bitch-mobile. My only request is that you stop by a lake somewhere so I can dump a can of motor oil in it, to make up for all of the earth that your car will be saving. Don't worry, I'll pay for the motor oil.

Mike

From christine ********* to Me

wtf is wrong with u! im not giving u a ride ur a jerk!!!

From Mike Partlow to christine **********

Well I am sorry you won't have the privilege of riding with me. Fortunately for me, I found a better, more badass ride to NYC. I'll be sure to wave at your crappy little hybrid as we pass you in our F-350, spraying cans of aerosol out the window and throwing empty six-pack holders into the sea.

Mike

Make a wish.

The wife found a goldfish, the fish tells her:
-Let me go, and I will fulfill your every desire!
- I want my husband to never say the word "no".
-Ready!
The wife returns home and says to her husband:
- Honey, buy me a fur coat.
-Go fuck your self.

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