Trash Stories

Everyone leaves money in winter jackets so that a pleasant surprise will turn out for the season. I found a used condom with mold inside in a winter jacket 😐 

When I was 5 years old, in the kindergarten, I heard the phrase "Beat, means love." When they took me home, I decided to show my mother how much I love her. I go up to her and give her enough strong slap. Mother in awe looks at me and says son, are you fucked? And she gave me such a slap in response that I passed out.

My classmate had a thoroughbred fluffy dog ​​named Pipi. In the first grade, the lesson was about pets. He proudly announced to the whole class: “I have a Pipi! Come to my house and I'll show you! You can even touch it, it's small." The teacher is shocked.

I am a funny person, I laugh at many things, but when I heard my lady's vagina farting air, I screamed for a week ...

Today I was walking home, and a couple of lovers walked in front of me ... The girl's laces on her sneakers were untied, and she stopped to tie them, but the guy did not notice this and went on ... Well, I overtook the girl and was about to overtake guy, as he abruptly turned around and kissed me on the lips! FUCK YOUR LIPS! You should have seen the face of the guy who looked at me in shock, and the wild neighing of the girl all over the street! She apologized through laughter, grabbed the guy by the hand, and they left! By the way, it was my first kiss... I hate you, creature...

Scammers from bank first swindled the stupid chick for money, and then forced her to strip naked and stand in the pose of a star, supposedly this is a test from the bank's robot. You will never find a dumber person than this chick. How do I know this chick? This is my aunt.

I decided to introduce my girlfriend to the parents. Invited her home for dinner. Everything went well until I got sick and they sent me to a room to lie down, where I fell asleep. A couple of hours later, I woke up and found my girlfriend drinking vodka with my dad, while smoking right in the room and making obscene jokes. I'm in shock, and dad said "get married."

The guy is a fan of jokingly waving personal belongings. I don’t know what kind of joke it is, but either he shows a helicopter, or an elephant, or just waves, or a ball rolls out of his shorts, attracting attention. It always annoyed me a little, because. looks the most ridiculous. But all my requests to stop were ignored. And recently, the guy wanted to get a cat. I don’t particularly like flea carriers of all kinds, but since he wants it that way, please. The first thing the cat did when he arrived at our house was to grab the guy's "trunk" with his claws when he once again began to swing it. Then the hunt for personal belongings began in general - as soon as the cat sees at least a little bare flesh, it begins to attack. In general, now the guy keeps everything to himself, and I suddenly realized that cats are nothing like that, normal))

A lot of guys break the bridle on their dick during sex, and I tore the bridle under the tongue during pussy eating ... Just Mr. Luck

The other day a girl told me that she wants to be raped, she wants to be rude. Well, I got the hint. On the trail. a week later I came to her, started molesting, she resisted, started pushing me away, everything was fine .. It all ended with me starting to beat her and she kicked me out screaming .. I left and the next day found out that she had written a statement against me ...

I'm trying to convey to my girlfriend that there is "men's food, dishes" and a woman should not eat them, but these are: barbecue, steaks, salads such as Olivier, sausage, salmon, ham, burgers, pilaf, rolls, sweets (except for fruits, their woman can ). My girlfriend can't hear or understand me. Women's food is: yogurt, vegetable salad, a little cheese, buckwheat, rice). Many women (I read the forum sometimes, they write that they have enough yogurt and apples for the whole day and even a lot, that’s all and right, a woman by nature practically doesn’t feel hunger, it’s not given to her).

My girlfriend is just stupid! Bought birth control pills. He says, come on, let everything down into me, I'm protected! That's exactly what I did. Then he offered to repeat, she takes another candle and sticks it in her ass! I'm shocked! "Did you do that before last time too?" "Yes!" - answers! Candles, damn it, are ginal! Well, how can I raise a child with this fool now ?!

I was talking with a guy about fetishes, I found out that he wants to shit in my mouth 😐 

Today in the shopping center toilet I heard how in the next stall a grandmother persuaded her granddaughter to wash away the poop. To which the granddaughter replied that these were her poop and she was not going to give them to the sewer, and with wild crying she asked to put them in a bag and take them home ...

I have acquaintances and they often speak newfangled words (such as krinzh, rofl). I'm embarrassed to keep asking what they mean. It's a shame when they answer me that I'm ancient. They often write and speak in abbreviated words, such as lp or kr. I just want to hit them and say that they wrote normally, the keyboard is free ..

Guys, let's all confess, we all piss around the edges of the toilet to wash off the stuck shit

I live with a girl. There was once a case, I was returning home after a hard day at school. I had the keys, but if the door is closed inside, then the dick will open it with the key. In general, I start knocking on the door, no one opens. I was crazy, knowing that my girlfriend is 100% at home, I understand that something has happened, I start gouging the fuck out so that all the neighbors climbed out. One neighbor got out, she says that she saw how she brought the guy and he didn’t seem to leave. I’m wildly freaking out here, I just start to put out the door with my feet and fists, but the bitch is silence, not a single rustle. I understand that I will have to open it, since she also did not answer calls. I wrote to her friend to call her, MB is really afraid to open, she didn’t pick up the phone anyway. I went for an hour and a half and fucking. Already desperate and calling the door opening service, like here, mine opens the door. What do you think, she was fucking SLEEPING 😶 P.S. Neighbor confused mine with another chick

I hate cottages in terms of growing all kinds of vegetables and fruits. As a child, my grandparents had THREE dachas, and my parents and I were thrown from dacha to dacha, like a slave from plantation to plantation ... I think that if you need to grow something in the dacha, then only for pleasure and in reasonable quantities because it's all in stores and at affordable prices!

As a child, in the summer I was always sent to my grandmother for the holidays, so for many years I thought that it was always summer in the village. You should have seen my face when I arrived in the village for the New Year.

I have been working in the library for a long time. During this time I saw many different people, but one man was most remembered. He always came in women's clothes, sometimes in a wig, and in the summer he even shaved his legs. As it turned out, a consequence of concussion. More than a year does not appear, but it's a pity. Despite the strange appearance, he was an interesting interlocutor.

Almost five months without sex. The other day I watched porn and burst into tears when a guy and a girl began to kiss gently after a hard fuck. I'm an incorrigible romantic fool :((

I fondly remember my student days. In our group, by the last year, in the fifth round, everyone slept with each other. Everyone was so friendly and nice, like a big Swedish family. And no one has ever offended anyone in any way, neither girls nor boys. Whoever wanted with whom - they slept with that, well, unless of course there was a mutual desire. Oh, to repeat those few wonderful years ...

My husband and I have a code word for sex, and that word is "cake." Very comfortably. You can discuss anywhere which cake is better to bake in the evening: with whipped cream or with chocolate cream.

Gullible Handyman

Original ad:
DO NOT WORK FOR JIMMY ******, IGNORE HIS "LOOKING FOR A HANDYMAN" AD BELOW. IT IS A SCAM!! I WORKED FOR HIM FOR A WEEK AND HE SAID HE WOULD PAY ME AT THE END OF THE WEEK, AND THEN AT THE END OF THE WEEK HE SAID THAT I WAS PAID BI-WEEKLY AND WOULD HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT FRIDAY, SO THAT FRIDAY CAME AND HE NEVER PAID! HES BEEN DODGING MY CALLS! AVOID HIM AT ALL COSTS HE WILL SCREW YOU OUT OF TWO WEEKS PAY


From Mike Anderson to **********@*********.org
Hey, I saw your ad about Jimmy ****** and must say you sound like a very gullible person. Why didn't you think something was up the first time he didn't pay you? It sounds like you are just not capable of thinking like an intelligent person. If you want, I will follow you around and give you advice to help you not make such stupid decisions. My fee is $15/hr, but it is well worth it.

Mike

From ********@gmail.com to Me
FUCK YOU UR AN IDIOT I DONT NEED YOU TO FOLLOW ME AROUND ASSHOLE

From Mike Anderson to ********@gmail.com
I don't think you understand how much money my advice could be saving you. For example, did you know that if a Nigerian asks for your social security number, he is not just getting to know you? He actually wants it to steal your identity. I am full of useful advice like this. Please reconsider.

Mike

From ********@gmail.com to Me
I KNOW THAT DICK HEAD. SHUT THE FUCK UP

From Mike Anderson to ********@gmail.com
Okay, it sounds like you don't want my advice.

I am interested in your handyman skills, however. How would you like to do the siding and roofing on my house? The job will probably take about two weeks. Don't worry, though, I'll pay you at the end of the two weeks, you just do the work first. And could you buy the shingles and siding? I'll reimburse you for those supplies as well at the end of the two weeks.

Mike

From ********@gmail.com to Me
FUCK OFF COCK SUCKER

Handicapped Movers

Original ad:
I am looking for help moving on June 23rd into my new apartment. We will need to load everything from my old apartment into a truck, and then drive to my new place and unload it. I have a lot of furniture that is very heavy, as well as a big screen tv that is bulky. We will need to lift a lot of this stuff down three flights of stairs since it won't fit in my elevator. I will pay $25/hr.


From Mike Anderson to *********@**********.org
Good afternoon!

I saw your ad asking for help moving your furniture into your new apartment. I was wondering if you would be interested in hiring my son. I need him to have a job like this so he can feel better about himself. He has been paralyzed from the neck down for five years now. I always encourage him to do normal things like mow the lawn, take out the trash, etc. so he can still feel important even though he does not have the use of his arms or legs. This job would be a huge boost in his self-esteem and with a little help I am sure he can do it. Please consider him!

Mike

From ***********@hotmail.com to Me
Mike,

I'm sorry, but I don't think this job would be appropriate for your son. A lot of the stuff I need to move is very large and heavy. He sounds like a good kid, but I don't think he would be able to do this. Thanks for the offer, though.

Jerry

From Mike Anderson to ************@hotmail.com
Jerry,

I think you are underestimating my son. He can do anything he puts his mind to. I told him I got him a job and he was so excited. Do I really have to go and tell him that the guy changed his mind because he hates handicapped people?

Mike

From ***********@hotmail.com to Me

Oh man...

I don't hate handicapped people. I really just don't see how your son can help, no offense. How can he move anything with his arms and legs? You said he mows the lawn and takes out the trash, how is that even possible?

I apologize, but next time you shouldn't tell your son you got him a job before making sure it is ok with the employer.

Jerry

From Mike Anderson to ************@hotmail.com
Jerry,

Don't tell me how to raise my son. You don't see me telling you how to move your furniture, do you? You never even met my son, and already you are telling me what he can and can't do. He does a great job mowing the lawn. We tied the lawn mower to the back of his wheelchair and he drags it around. You'd be surprised how much torque that wheelchair has. It makes him feel normal again.

I don't have the heart to tell him that he won't be doing this job, so would you be able to come over here and tell him yourself that you hate him and will not hire him? It is the least you could do.

Mike

From ***********@hotmail.com to Me

You've got to be kidding me. This conversation is over.

Carry-on bag is too big? I'll just wear my clothes then.

I was flying with a budget airline with carry on only. I had one small suitcase that was within the maximum size requirements and a small purse. As I got in line to board, an employee pulled me out of the line to ask me to put the suitcase in their metal sizer. The suitcase was pretty full and bulging a bit so even though it was the right size, it didn't go into the sizer easily and the employee stopped me from pushing the suitcase in, saying it needed to fit into the sizer without using any force. She tried to get me to check my bag for 60 euros, which was a lot of money for me at the time.

Instead, I opened my suitcase in front of her and proceeded to start putting on several items of clothing. I was already wearing a sweater and ended up putting on a t-shirt, a long sleeve, another sweater, and a cardigan. Closed my suitcase and it suddenly fit into the sizer "without force". She begrudgingly let me board while wearing my 5 tops. As soon as they scanned my ticket and checked my ID, I pulled over to the side, opened my suitcase, took off all the extra layers, put them back in my suitcase, and continued down the runway to the plane, all within view of the employee that tried to get me to check my bag.

(c) u/raspberrywines

Walking excuses

Real life example
- My mail / 1s / Internet does not work!
- Did you restart your computer?
Yes, three times...
I go to the console. Uptime 10 days. Force reboot remotely
- oh, but I lost everything, my important documents were not saved.

And yes, fuck it, to be honest. Don't fucking lie to the sysadmin

Father & Son

Original ad:
i am 17 years old and looking to buy my first car! if you have a good, cheap and reliable car for a student please let me know. thank you!


From Mike Anderson to ***********@*******.org

Hey there!

I saw your ad and have a great car for a young driver such as yourself. I am selling my beautiful 1992 Toyota Camry. This car is almost perfect. 148,342 miles on it. I need to go to Wawa tomorrow, so that mileage might change. I'm estimating it will be somewhere around 148,347 miles. If this is a problem, let me know and I will ride my bike to Wawa.

The car has a few MINOR problems but nothing too bad:

- The ashtray is stuck shut from when I accidentally spilled a beer on it. I think there is like $2 in change in there, so if you can open the ashtray, it's all yours.
- Due to a bad trip in Philly, I no longer have a radio. I run an old boom box through the cigarette lighter, however, and it sounds great. It is a 1986 Sony Cassette player. I'll throw in a Raffi cassette tape for an extra $10. The tape is Raffi in Concert with the Rise & Shine Band, and is an excellent album.
- The glovebox is locked and I lost the key to it, so it won't open. Unfortunately there was a tuna sandwich locked in there, and you can smell it in the car. It isn't that bad if you light some incense. I dropped a few sticks of incense between the seats, you can have them if you find em.
- The hood latch is broken and the hood will occasionally fly up and hit the windshield while driving. The windshield is currently cracked from the last time this happened, but the crack isn't that bad. In fact, it helps air out the stench of the tuna.
- Needs new front and rear brakes. The ones on there don't really stop, but if you give the emergency brake a good tug it should take care of everything.
- There is a hornets nest somewhere under the hood. I have no idea where. Occasionally a hornet will blow in through the air conditioning vent, but I will include a fly swatter above the visor.
- There is some blood on the passenger seat and all over the side of the door. If you are ever pulled over and the police ask about it, just tell them the previous owner hit a deer. Don't say who I am though.
- I bought the car from someone who replaced the original horn with a freight train horn. It is really loud and I don't recommend using it, I have caused several accidents with it.

Besides these problems, this is a great starter car for any young driver! I actually call it the "ladies mobile" because the chicks dig it.

I am asking $6000 for it, but am willing to negotiate.

Thanks,

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

hey thanks for the offer! $6000 sounds like a little much for that car. my dad only gave me a $4000 budget, would you be willing to take that?

From Mike Anderson to joey ********
Son, you obviously have no experience in buying vehicles. When I said I was willing to negotiate, I meant I was willing to take more money for the car if you wanted to give it to me. Minimum is $6,000. Talk to your dad, and he will tell you that this car is a once-in-a-lifetime deal. He'll be pissed if he saw that you passed this up.

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

What the hell is wrong with you? That car is a piece of shit! Stop e-mailing my son, you moron.

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If you are normal, you have got to be MAD!