The world needed a hero. An embassy, under siege. Hostages at risk. The pressure was on.

“We need the best,” the general barked. “Someone who can handle this.”

They looked at his file: Top scores in all combat situations. Unmatched tactical awareness. He’d broken every record. “The Shepherd,” they called him.

He was cocky, sure. Talked a big game. But the numbers didn’t lie. He’d aced every difficult task. They’d asked him, “Are you ready soldier?”

He’d smirked. “Born ready.”

The news cameras rolled as he approached the embassy. The Shepherd, our savior. He walked with confidence, a seasoned warrior.

He took a step.

A trip.

A gun shot.

He died.

They later found out, that The Shepherd spent his life in his basement mastering virtual reality games and shooting his digital gun.

©Mad

A strange virus has penetrated the earth and was spreading. No one knew what it was or what the cure was.

Officials have been looking all over for the right candidate to give some answers to this madness. Sad to say that among TikTokers and the OnlyFans generation, they failed to find anything close to that. They failed to even begin questioning their ability as «they/them» keep getting offended with every single question they were asked. They stopped asking women altogether as they keep saying, «We're independent and don't need no man,» even though nobody was asking that. Every diploma was just a bought paper. The majority failed to answer 2+2x2.

But with the last of a hope, however, they did find a perfect candidate who knew how to create life-saving vaccines. He was a retired 75-year-old scientist. The last chance humanity will ever have.

With every chance he got, he promised that he had found a cure, a vaccine with H2O, a capsule with sugar powder, a pill that was a Mentos candy.

That man was a troll...

A young woman inherited a vast fortune, and her entire life became a perpetual party. Sex with multiple partners, orgies, yachts, expensive houses, diamonds – she indulged in it all. Despite her constant drinking, her health remained stubbornly perfect. By the age of 50, with a partner count exceeding a thousand men and women, she simply lost interest in sex. In a final act of defiance against all odds, she ran out of money, falling in love with an unassuming Asian man who had remained single his entire life, whose greatest joy was filing his taxes meticulously on time, and pleasing his boss. They died at the same age of 72.

You are that Asian guy...

©MadRomas

Once upon a time, there was a man unlike any other. He possessed an uncanny ability to be immune from the law, an invincible figure, so to speak. No matter his transgressions, he never suffered any consequences. He was, seemingly, the master of his own destiny.

Early in life, he never received a speeding ticket, not even once. Buying and selling drugs, consorting with prostitutes, engaging in brawls, stealing cars, breaking into homes – none of it mattered. No one was looking for him. Once, he stabbed a man in a dark alley and left the knife at the crime scene, yet nothing ever came of it. Years passed, and he grew bored with the realization that no one cared about his actions. Breaking the law became a tiresome and unfulfilling pursuit.

Eventually, the police caught up with him, collecting enough long-overlooked evidence to secure a conviction. He received a sentence of 254 years to life and found himself living as a supervisor in the prison laundromat.

…Later, he was shanked for sniffing inmates’ dirty underwear…

©Mad

The story began in 1987 in a small town. Even as a little boy, everything was a struggle for Daniel. School was difficult; he had extreme problems focusing, leading to bad grades. Gym class was the worst, as he lacked any natural physical abilities.

But Daniel was determined to succeed in life. He overcame all his difficulties through hard work, studying three times as hard as the other kids and training outside of school.

By his late 30s, his difficult life had shaped him into someone who never gave up, someone who fought to overcome anything life threw at him. His engineering career was a success, with a high-paying job working on projects anyone could only dream of.

Daniel could overcome anything he set his mind to—a true testament to his talent and will.

So when Daniel was diagnosed with cancer, he didn’t give up. He fought that battle for five years, determined to beat it for his wife and three adopted children.

He had overcome dyslexia, social anxiety, and a near-fatal accident in his youth. He was a survivor. He told everyone he would survive. He believed in himself. Anything was possible with his mindset.

But Daniel died. Cancer won, and he didn’t. Leaving his wife and three adopted children behind. Leaving all of his wealth to his thick thighs Latina nurse, Gloria...

©Mad

Sergeant Major Maxwell “Ace” Archer was precision; a perfect sniper. Every element of his existence, was perfectly ordered. His schedule was a clockwork masterpiece, his accuracy unmatched, and his focus a laser beam. He was the embodiment of the ideal sniper: disciplined, efficient, and relentlessly, terrifyingly, on time. 

Living he's quiet life out in the woods, peaceful expensive house  with anything a human been needs to live a perfect life. With offshore bank account. 

Than as it usually end up happening is he meets a woman, whether its random or through the job he had to do. Falls in love, mad love. A missed shot, a careless mistake in planning, because all of his attention is on the woman, has caused a chaos. Reputation is ruined.

Circumstances of that, he loses the job that he worked so hard for and building trust and perfect job score. 

Him and his woman had to live that life behind to start a family, while killing all the people that was after him for not completing a job. It was a mess, but he did it. He did it for the love of his life and a new chapter they can begin building together. No more secrets and everything is shared. Working a steady construction job with bank account that had enough money to last for ever.

Few months pass and his woman cheats on him with explanation — «You are not the same tough guy I fell in love with and your hands are softer». Than she emptied his bank account, because she's an independent woman and needs to explore her sexuality in Dubai.

He developed a drinking problem and died on the street...

The end.

©Mad

There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning, the only reason you suffer the shitty boss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. «Fear or revere me, but please think I'm special.» We share an addiction. We're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The «hip, hip, hoo-fucking-rah.» Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Cos we're just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others.

Original ad:

From Mike Partlow to **************@*********.org

Hey,

I have a proposition for you. I will give you $50 if you let me borrow your Escalade for tomorrow night. I have been trying to get a date with this girl, but the only way I was able to get her to go on a date with me was by telling her that I am a very rich and powerful drug dealer. The problem is, I am not a drug dealer, and I actually drive a 91 Honda Accord. She will know I am lying if I pick her up in that. The only chance I have of getting with this chick is if I roll up in your ballin Escalade. If you let me borrow it, on top of giving you $50, I will put a few gallons of gas in it. I promise we will not have sex on your seats.

Please help me out!

Mike

From James ******* to Me

Absolutely not. The car is not for rent!

From Mike Partlow to James ********

James,

I am willing to pay you up to $60 to borrow your Escalade. If you are worried about me messing it up, you can ride with me. In fact, you can drive it. I'll tell her you are my bodyguard. That would actually work out better, I think. Do you look like a bodyguard? You'd have to wear a suit, and possibly one of those earpieces with the coiled cord running down your neck. You should occasionally touch the earpiece to your ear, like you are listening to some badass security chatter. You shouldn't talk have to talk much, just drive and look badass.

Please reconsider my offer.

Mike

From James ******** to Me

No. That is stupid. Maybe you should try asking out a woman that isn't a materialistic gold digger.

From Mike Partlow to James *********

Golddigger or not, this girl's rack is phenominal. Tell you what, if you consider my offer and I end up getting laid, I will try to snap a picture of her tits with my cellphone and send it to you. Trust me, they are great.

Mike

From James ******** to Me

Shut up. You aren't borrowing my car.

From Mike Partlow to James *********

Well James, you are being a cockblocker. I hope next time you are trying to get your D wet, you get the shit cockblocked out of you.

My solution for bloatware is this: by law you should hire in every programming team someone who is Like, A Guy who has a crappy laptop with 4GB and an integrated graphics card, no scratch that, 2 GB of RAM, and a rural internet connection. And every time someone in your team proposes to add s It like NPCs with invisible pores or ray tracing or all the bloatware that Windows, Adobe, etc. are doing now, they have to come back and try your project in the Guy's laptop and answer to him. He is allowed to insult you and humiliate you if it doesn't work in his laptop, and you should by law apologize and optimize it for him. If you try to put any kind of DRUM or permanent internet connection, he is legally allowed to shoot you.

With about 5 or 10 years of that, we will fix the world.

Written in editorjs