I bought this tape—with the promising title *Wet Kitties 3*—about a month ago and stashed it inside a boot, saving it for just the right moment. Then yesterday, Vera and the neighbor lady hauled ass off to the theater, so I figured, «My time for some cultural enrichment has finally come.» I dug out the tape, popped it into the VCR, settled comfortably onto the sofa, and hit «Play» on the remote. The first «kitty» hadn't even finished undressing yet when—*bam!*—the doorbell rang. I hit pause and reluctantly trudged out into the hallway.

I opened the door, and there stood some random prick I’d never seen before.

«Who are you looking for?» I asked.

«I’m in love with your wife,» he blurted out in a single breath—he’d probably been rehearsing it.

«Well, she’s not home.» I tried to close the door, but the bastard stuck his foot in the way, effectively blocking it.

«I know. Actually, I’m here to see *you*.»

«Fine, come in,» I said, stepping aside to let the jerk pass before slamming the door shut behind him.

«Where to?»

«The kitchen. Sorry, the living room’s a mess.» The last thing I needed was to sit there watching *Wet Kitties* with this asshole.

We walked into the kitchen; he looked around, unsure where to plant his ass.

«Have a seat on the stool,» I suggested. «Want some vodka?»

«I wouldn't say no.»

«What’s your name, by the way?»

«Sergey.» (*Sounds like a fag or a gay,* I rhymed instantly in my head, though I decided against saying it out loud.)

«I’m Vadik.» I poured the vodka into two shot glasses, filled a mug with water from the tap, and set it on the table. «To our acquaintance, then?»

«Yeah.»

We downed our shots; I chased mine with water, then handed the mug over to him:

«Help yourself.»

«Thanks. I’m in love with your wife.»

«So, how did you two meet?» I asked, just for the sake of politeness. «We work together. One time we stayed late working on a report, and...»

«And you met,» I said, pouring myself a second shot. «You know, I’ve never really understood office romances. Sure, you can bang a colleague once or twice—why not?—but to go so far as to fall in love and wreck families over it… Anyway, how about a second round—to our parents?»

«Yeah.»

«And she—I take it she loves you too?» I asked, pouring a third.

«Yes, of course. If it weren't for love, would we really have...»

«To love, then?»

«Yeah.»

We downed our shots; the water pitcher was empty, so I refilled it and poured a fourth round into our glasses.

«So, what exactly do you want from me? My blessing, or something?»

«Well, I just came to talk. To figure out how we move forward.»

«Does she come from your cock?»

«What do you mean?» He blinked, looking flustered, and turned red. «Well, how else would she...?»

«See, the thing is—I’ve been fucking her for quite a while now, but she’s never actually come just from my cock.»

«What? Never?»

«She screams and carries on—all that bullshit—but she only really gets off on fingers.»

«How does that work?»

«Four fingers in the pussy, two in the ass. That’s the only way. And the ones in the ass—you’d better cross them. Like this.» I crossed two fingers and showed him.

«Well, I don't know… I feel like...»

«It’s a shame she went to the theater; otherwise, she could back me up. Anyway, how about a toast—to the ladies who aren't here with us?» «Yeah.»

«Four fingers—that’s the only way. Vera’s pussy—well, you know yourself—it’s not exactly small.»

«Vera’s?»

«Whose else would it be?»

«Wait… isn't your wife’s name Gina?»

«My young friend,» I said, looking with regret at the nearly empty bottle. «So… you’re the one fucking Gina Sidorova?» «Well...»

«It says right there on the door, in plain letters: 'The Sidorovs—3 rings; The Petrovs—4.' Can't you count?»

«Sorry,» he said, looking visibly flustered. «That was awkward.»

«Oh, don't worry about it,» I said—I actually felt a little sorry for him. «One for the road?»

«Yeah.»

«Just step out there and ring three times—that’s for the Sidorovs. Petya is home right now, but Gina is at the theater with Vera. And listen… Gina likes it when you stick two fingers up her ass, too. Crossed.» I crossed my fingers again and showed him.

«And four in the pussy?»

«Nah, just three in there. Anyway, take care.»

I let Sergei out into the stairwell and closed the door. I hadn't even made it back to my room when the doorbell rang three times. I paused briefly by the door, listening as Petya shuffled down the hallway in his slippers.

«Who is it?»

I sat down on the couch, hit «play,» and turned up the volume. I don't like sticking my nose into other people's lives.