Okay. I don't know if this is actually incest since it wasn't something actually sexual in the technical sense but here goes.

When I was little my mom used to put a buttplug in me (which she called a poop plug) and I'd wear it all the time. I was told only to take it out to poop, wipe my ass, then put it back in.

I was really young so I thought this was just something everybody did but one time at school I dropped it when I flushed the toilet and it ended up getting flushed. So when I went back to class I told my teacher that my poop plug got flushed down the toilet. She had no idea what I was talking about so she sent me to the school nurse.

Well after trying to explain what a poop plug was for 15 minutes the school calls the police. The police ask me all these questions and at first I'm scared because I think I'm in trouble for losing my poop plug

Turns out my mom has schizophrenia and was making me wear this shit so Satan couldn't stick his cock in my pooper and make me gay.

I sit in a sex shop, I don’t touch anyone, in the sense there are no buyers. Evening already. And suddenly a man, about forty years old, runs in with a phone in his hand.

— I found such a thing on your site, but I didn’t understand the dimensions. — And shows a photo with a lesbofal, — Can I see it in kind?

*If anyone does not know, it's like two phalluses sticking out in different directions from the place of growth.

I show him a shop window, there are four pieces. The size is about the same, the material is different. He weighed them in his hand, chose a pink gel, «This one will be heavier, and grippy.»

We go to the checkout, and he says:

“It’s not for its purpose, it’s just that you can’t carry a bat with you, it’s not good without anything either, I punched one guy in the face who refused to pay, police almost imprisoned me, but here, one hundred percent, that this is not a weapon, and no one will go to the cops, well, who will admit in public that he was beaten with a rubber dick.

Once upon a time, there was a man unlike any other. He possessed an uncanny ability to be immune from the law, an invincible figure, so to speak. No matter his transgressions, he never suffered any consequences. He was, seemingly, the master of his own destiny.

Early in life, he never received a speeding ticket, not even once. Buying and selling drugs, consorting with prostitutes, engaging in brawls, stealing cars, breaking into homes – none of it mattered. No one was looking for him. Once, he stabbed a man in a dark alley and left the knife at the crime scene, yet nothing ever came of it. Years passed, and he grew bored with the realization that no one cared about his actions. Breaking the law became a tiresome and unfulfilling pursuit.

Eventually, the police caught up with him, collecting enough long-overlooked evidence to secure a conviction. He received a sentence of 254 years to life and found himself living as a supervisor in the prison laundromat.

…Later, he was shanked for sniffing inmates’ dirty underwear…

©Mad

In the spring of 1994, a young American man named Ronald Opus decided to commit suicide. In his suicide note, he explained that he was taking this step due to financial problems and a lack of understanding from his parents. After writing the note, Mr. Opus climbed onto the windowsill and jumped from the ninth floor. He probably wouldn't have died if he had known that window washers had stretched a safety net at the seventh-floor level that day. After falling two floors, he would have landed on the net and survived, but with wet pants. But an incredible event occurred – a truly fatal stroke of bad luck! As Ronald was falling past the eighth-floor window, he was struck in the head by a shotgun blast fired by a resident of that floor. While the police were retrieving the body from the net and identifying the deceased with his head almost completely blown apart by the shot, detectives decided to charge the shooter with manslaughter. After all, if it hadn't been for the shot, Ronald Opus would have survived the fall onto the net.

Further investigation revealed new circumstances. It turned out that the elderly man was shooting at his wife, but missed, and the shot hit the window. The detectives then decided to add attempted murder (of his wife) to the manslaughter charge. It turned out that during arguments and fits of anger, he often took an unloaded shotgun from the wall and made a «warning shot» – clicking the trigger to scare his wife. This was a kind of family ritual. According to both spouses, the shotgun always hung on the wall and was never loaded. According to American law, the charge of involuntary manslaughter should now be brought against whoever secretly loaded the shotgun.

Who did it? It turned out that only their son had free access to the couple's room. Police detectives contacted his friend and learned many interesting things. Knowing that his father often threatened his mother with a weapon, the son secretly loaded the shotgun, hoping that during the first argument his father would shoot his mother, and he himself would end up in prison. However, the couple had been living peacefully for the past few weeks, which greatly upset the son. Where was he? The old man was surprised and replied that his son lived on the floor above. It turned out that this son was Ronald Opus himself! He was the one who loaded the shotgun, and when his revenge failed, in despair he jumped out of the window and was killed by his own father's shot, the very father he wanted to send to prison. The suicide took place, but not in the way Opus intended.

Although this story seems like a fabrication, it is a documented fact.

Briefing.

This little story happened years ago, before the “Five Guys” restaurant chain was popular. They were just starting out and hadn’t expanded to every state or city yet.

I was living in Michigan at the time, where there were no Five Guys, so I had never even heard of them. Around that time, I relocated to Ohio for a construction job and was staying at a hotel. Every morning, I’d come home from work and see a very nice-looking receptionist. It didn’t take long before I asked for her phone number, and she agreed.

Long story short, we began texting and what not. After a while of talking, she suddenly texted me: “Have you tried five guys?”

Imagine the shock I was in. I was stunned. Keep in mind, I had never heard of that restaurant. A few things ran through my brain:Why would she ask that? How did I come across as a gay guy? Why five guys?  At the same time? Why not one guy? And if she does think I’m gay, am I so obviously gay that she assumes I’ve tried five guys?It was a very confusing text.

As it turns out, she just wanted to bring me food from there. But the shock of that moment is something I will remember forever.

— This toy store sucks. There’s not even any Xbox games.

— Have you ever heard the story of the rich old man and the stray dog?

— No, sounds crappy.

— There was once a very old man, and one day he came across a stray dog. Well, he decided to take that dog home with him. And that dog went straight to the fire and rolled himself up in an old rug and started chewing on an old bone. Over the years, the old man bought the dog lots of expensive beds, lots of expensive meals, much better than most people get to eat. But that dog always went back to the old rug and that old bone, because he knew that that was all he really needed.

— Now, who do you think you are in this story?

— Let me guess, the rich old man who didn’t know that happiness comes from the simple things in life?

— No, you are the runny shit the dog would take every morning because he had canine colitis from living on the street so long. Now get the fuck out of my store.

A 15-year-old story. I lived with a girl. Beautiful one. We lived together for a long time, and now we graduated from college. Work has begun.

One fine evening, she comes up to me and says that we need to build a business in order to make good money. And she had an idea.

The idea was to motivate me properly. She decided that we wouldn't have sex until I came up with and launched an interesting and profitable project.

I must pay tribute, she did well. After 3 months, she had to look for another apartment. We lived at my place.

A young woman inherited a vast fortune, and her entire life became a perpetual party. Sex with multiple partners, orgies, yachts, expensive houses, diamonds – she indulged in it all. Despite her constant drinking, her health remained stubbornly perfect. By the age of 50, with a partner count exceeding a thousand men and women, she simply lost interest in sex. In a final act of defiance against all odds, she ran out of money, falling in love with an unassuming Asian man who had remained single his entire life, whose greatest joy was filing his taxes meticulously on time, and pleasing his boss. They died at the same age of 72.

You are that Asian guy...

©MadRomas