How I masturbated at the clinic for a spermogram.

I had a friend who was trying to have a child with his wife, but it just wasn't working out. And then one day he said:

I need to go to the clinic and get my little ones checked. Get a spermogram.

He went and checked. He came back gloomy. It turned out he had few sperm, and they themselves were lazy, like seals at a rookery. They didn't swim toward their target, but lay on their sides, waiting for the egg to crawl to them, apologize for the disturbance, and be gently fertilized.

And then a truly profound thought comes to my mind:

«Fuck. I'm also interested in what's going on there.»

I decided that I also needed to go and have a spermogram.

I prepared myself like a responsible person. I didn't drink or masturbate for a week. The alcohol was tough, but manageable. But masturbating was more difficult, because there was a rubber vagina from Amazon in my nightstand, literally calling me back to the sordid stability of sin. But curiosity won out.

After all, it’s not every day that you go and get tested to see how well your future children can swim.

I arrive at the clinic. Everything is routine there, without a shred of respect for the moment. Sign here. Sign here. Wash your dick over there. Wipe your hands with this. Here's the jar. Here's the room. Jerk off there. Cum here.

I'm standing there with this jar and I feel like someone who would drop everything right now and go home. But, damn! I'm so fucking curious!

I walk into the room. It smells of bleach. No signs of masturbation. A typical medical office. Only the lights are a little dim. For a better masturbation, I guess! A row of several half-chairs, half-lounges, like at the beach. I go to the far corner. I sit down. I take out the lube I brought from home earlier. I open my phone to search the internet for something inspiring. I pull down my pants. I sit on the chair, dick in one hand, lube in the other, and try to find masturbatory zen.

And then the door is kicked open. A man comes in.

He's also holding a jar. I'm sitting there, my dick half-erect, looking at him, slightly stunned. The guy looks at me. He nods in greeting. I automatically nod back, because apparently, even in a collective sperm donation situation, good manners are the last thing to die. And you have to be friendly.

He stands right in the middle of the room, pulls his jeans down to the floor, spits loudly into his palm, and begins to jerk off furiously. It sounds like a carpenter sanding a slat.

Then he releases his penis, spits again into his palm, and continues. And all this with such a focused expression, as if he weren't jerking off next to a stranger in a clinic, but saving the country from demographic collapse.

I'm sitting there. I have lube in one hand, my dick in the other, and I catch myself freaking out, just staring at some guy jerking off for two minutes now. As the friction dries out, he periodically spits on it.

Then I finally can’t stand it and ask:

Maybe lubricants?

The man stops. He looks at me. Then at the bottle. Then at me again.

— No, I don't drink. I'm driving.

I speak:

— No, it's lubricant.

He keeps looking at me as if I were offering him work in Oriflame or Faberlic.

— Well, lube. For jerking off. Here.

And, to shorten the path between misunderstanding and enlightenment, I drip a little onto my palm and demonstrate the principle of operation using my own example.

— Ah-ah-ah

… the man perks up. Okay, come on.

He approaches and extends his palm.

I drip some lubricant onto his palm.

He makes a couple of movements, freezes, and then with absolutely sincere delight says:

Oh-oh-oh, holy shit. This is so good!

And at that moment, I realized I might be witnessing the greatest technological breakthrough in his sex life. Because his reaction made it seem like he'd been using nothing but saliva his whole life.

The man came quickly. Grunting, writhing, and missing. These days, the jar isn't the diameter of a basketball hoop. The man got ready and left.

I was left alone, caught my breath and tried to get back to my task.

I had just started to get myself in the right frame of mind when the door opened again. A man came in. A different one.

And now I'm no longer at a loss. So, as someone with experience, I immediately ask in a businesslike manner:

Lubricants?

And I hand him the bottle.

But this one turned out to be a professional. He had his own.

And you know what? I wasn't even surprised. Nothing ever surprised me anymore.

So a guy came in to jerk off nearby. So he got out his lube. Oh well.

A typical Tuesday, a typical clinic, a typical jerk-off with a stranger. We ended up coming almost simultaneously. In sync. Almost like Olympic swimmers, only the discipline was noticeably worse.

My life experience when I jerked off in the same room with strangers and at the same time acted as a lubricant ambassador.

When it was all over, I walked out and went to the nurse: «Tell me,» I said, «do you always have several people there? And no partitions?» It's like a wanking hut.

It turned out there was a partition screen in the room. Like an accordion. It was like a VIP wank-off box, damn!

But we didn't see it. No one did.

Or rather, maybe we did, but who cared? No time for interior design. But at least I'm not afraid of a group masturbation anymore!

I'm just wondering, there's only one screen for the entire room. What if there's an influx of patients? Then what? Should everyone sit in a circle and jack off?

By the way, everything was fine with the tests.

How do you envision the world of the future? Let's say in 200-300 years...

1. By that time, people will have created a highly spiritual civilization where violence and social injustice will have no place. All wars will cease, people will live in peace with each other and with nature. And faster-than-light spaceships will reach distant stars, where we will meet representatives of friendly alien civilizations who will accept humanity as equals into the Great Cosmic Confederation. — 0 points.

2. Oil reserves will run out, we will cut down forests, pollute the seas and oceans with toxic waste, and we ourselves will die of radiation sickness and skin cancer. That is, of course, if some alien snot with acid instead of blood doesn't finish us off first. — 3 points.

3. The world of the future will be covered in a four-meter layer of shit and radioactive ash… — 5 points.

4. Positronic robots will finally destroy human civilization and will live in happiness and harmony, striving to comprehend the eternal mystery of existence. — 9 points.

What phrase usually ended the fairy tales that your dad told you as a child?

1. «And they began to live happily ever after, and acquire wealth...» — 0 points.

2. «Linda cried and cried for her brother Derek, and then she went to the river and drowned herself…» — 2 points.

3. «From that very moment, every night the Black Hand would emerge from a spot on the wall of an abandoned house and fly to strangle sleeping children.» — 5 points.

4. «And that's when those vile, filthy homeless people dismembered the little homeless dog, ate his insides, and sucked the bone marrow from his paws...» — 12 points.

5. «Remember the main thing, my good fellow,» said Bogeywoman, «In the initialization section, in addition to filling the working vector, you should also install a multiplex interrupt handler!» — 17 points.

What do you usually use to make a fire outdoors?

1. Birch bark and brushwood — those are the helpers of a true boy scout! — 0 points.

2. Heh, if only you knew how well the Criminal Code and the Declaration of Human Rights burn… — 3 points.

3. A virgin's tibia, soaked in the blood of six Christian babies, will burst into flames on its own during a full moon if placed on the grave of a cursed witch and a spell summoning the supreme demon Seth is read… — 10 points.

Imagine you've invited a young girl you like to your home. She's a virgin, and this is your second date. Here are your options:

1. I'll offer her some tea, introduce her to my mother, and show her our family photos. — 0 points.

2. Heh, no girl could resist my charm. Of course, I'll try to seduce her. — 1 point.

3. I'll get her drunk on vodka until she passes out and have sex minimalist style. — 5 points.

4. I'll add five or six doses of equine stimulant to the girl's glass, and then call all my friends and acquaintances to rape her. I'll film the whole thing myself, and then sell the footage for crazy money to some illegal bourgeois porn site… — 8 points.

What do you think is the best way to get rid of nasty old ladies with shopping carts?

1. You dirty bastard, how could you even utter such a vile word! — 0 points.

2. They should be forcibly implanted with special chips in their skulls, connected to detonators that activate once they reach 70 years of age. The chip will scan their body and immediately trigger an explosion as soon as it detects the old lady rolling her ugly wheeled cart anywhere. — 2 points.

3. AAGRRRRR! Give me a baseball bat quickly! — 4 points.

4. We need to announce on Radio that we will only leave alive the granny who kills everyone else. — 10 points.

Have you ever lost your temper from anger and irritation?

1. No, of course not — I always try to control myself. After all, we live in a society, we need to respect other people. — 0 points.

2. Yeah, shit, after that party at the Tunnel. I'm riding the subway this morning, and there are all these disgusting alcoholics with distorted faces; sweaty, fat, enormous women and other disgusting freaks with sallow faces. Why didn't I have a chainsaw with me then: I would have chopped at those hands clinging to the handrails with a scream, turned everything into bloody mincemeat! — 4 points.

3. I generally think that a law should be established that would allow every person to shoot someone in the back of the head with a Magnum once in their life. Then people would be much more polite in their communication with each other… — 7 points.

The lyrics to what song are currently going through your head?

1. «I have happiness, I'll give it to you… I'll give you half of it...» —0 points.

2. «I have nothing… Because I have nothing...» — 2 points.

3. «Across the tundra, along the railroad… where the train runs to prison...» —3 points.

4. «Mazafakas are so ni-i-ice! Suck my d*ck… Kiss my ass! Frank! Frank! Frank Sinatra...» — 5 points.

5. «The power of the people, is leading us to the triumph of fascism!» — 10 points.

There is a poster above your bed that reads:

1. «Jesus loves you!» — 0 points.

2. «Bringing the achievements of chemistry into life!» — 3 points.

3. «Prisoner, remember: exemplary behavior is your fastest path to early release!» — 5 points.

4. «SAVE THE PLANET — KILL YOURSELF!» — 14 points.

How many pieces do you usually dismember corpses into?

1. What? — 0 points.

2. Into six, of course, is there any other way to do it? — 2 points.

3. That's a woman's job! A real man should only eat the heart of a dead enemy, having first torn it out of his chest! — 7 points.

4. You dismember… ugh, how rude! By the way, I have a container of concentrated hydrochloric acid at home… — 8 points.

The words you use most often in conversation are:

1. Work, family, big wash — 0 points.

2. Blood, hatred, shit, sperm — 2 points.

3. Shoot up, coke, orgy, overdose — 7 points.

4. Politics, oligarchs, president, faction — 10 points.

5. Plato, Nietzsche, transcendental, robotics -21 points.

RESULTS:

0 points: Rope is sold at the hardware store around the corner...

1 — 80 points: You have a strong moral core: you would never fart in front of a lady or roll a joint in front of the Ministry of Internal Affairs. But you, my friend, can't turn away from the slippery slope of moral decay: that's a fact!

81 — 190 points: As a child, you witnessed a homeless alcoholic rape a small pet hamster. This event caused your moral decline. Yes, you are a pimp and promoter of necrophiliac porn. Yet, once a month, you take out a videotape of «Back to the future» from your hiding place and cry because you can't contain your unrequited love for Lea Thompson...

190 — 259 points: Rope is sold at the hardware store around the corner...