It was 1990. My dad, who was young at the time, got drunk in the village with some buddies and, somehow failing to make it all the way home, fell asleep next to a haystack. In the morning, he woke up to the sound of people talking as they walked past. As they drew closer, he recognized them—they were deceased acquaintances of his, and they were debating whether or not to take him with them. «No, it’s too early for him yet; let's keep going!» By that evening, an elderly man in the village had passed away. Since that moment, my dad hasn't touched alcohol again. And to this day, he recalls that encounter with sheer horror.

I never knew what to get my girlfriend; I have a terrible imagination and absolutely no creative flair. Her birthday was approaching, so I really needed to come up with something. A female friend of mine came to the rescue, suggesting I get her a high-tech vibrator—the idea being that it would keep her from getting lonely whenever I wasn't around. So, that’s exactly what I did. My girlfriend stayed with me for another month after that… and then decided to dump me. Apparently, I chose a gift that was a little *too* high-tech—seeing as it ended up doing a better job than I did...

Do you want to know how I learned to swim? We owned an old car. No one had driven it in ages, even though it was still in working order. Then, one day, my dad and I decided to take it out for a spin and drive it down to the river. I was sitting in the front seat. Dad sped up and drove the car straight into a river—with the doors and windows still shut. He told me, «If you want to live, you'll swim out,» and then he fucking bailed out of the car (to this day, I have no fucking clue how he did it—what kind of magic was that?). Naturally, I was absolutely fucking stunned, but somehow, I managed to scramble my way out. After that incident, Mom filed for divorce.

I was trying on jeans at a store, and I really, really wanted to fart. Then I had a thought: *What if I buy these jeans, only to find out someone else has already farted in them?*… I never did buy those jeans.

Every time I jerk off, I involuntarily point my feet like a fucking ballerina—practically bending them backward, at an angle of over 180 degrees; my heel almost touches my shin. I don't even notice I'm doing it until I finally cum. But then comes the hard part: I can't painlessly return my feet to their normal position. So there I lie, splayed out like a compass, slowly inching my feet back into place, gritting my teeth against the pain. I’m terrified that one day I’ll just snap my ankles right off from sheer arousal—yet I keep right on pleasuring myself. Afterward, I can't even walk for half an hour.

I recently buried my best friend. He was walking home from the store when he took a bad fall. His ribs hurt terribly; the pain was so severe he couldn't even cough, and breathing was agonizing. All the signs pointed to a clear rib fracture, but he wasn't in any rush to see a doctor—he kept putting it off until later. He put it off once too often… Sometime during the night, he must have shifted into an awkward, incorrect position, and a shard of the broken bone punctured his lung. In the morning, his mother went to wake him up, only to find him lying in bed, blue in the face… If he had sought medical help right away, he would have pulled through; instead, he now lies in the cemetery, wrapped in the cold earth.

I work as a cashier. During a particularly hectic rush, I blurted out something to a male customer—instead of the standard «Have a nice day!»—that went something like, «May God grant you good health!» The look he gave me… «Amen,» the man replied, then hurried toward the exit, glancing back over his shoulder with a look of sheer apprehension.

My girlfriend and I were having sex. We were just moments away from the finish line. And right at that moment, she sneezed. The sudden jolt caused her vaginal muscles to contract. Caught completely off guard, I ended up finishing right inside her. Now we’re walking around, totally on edge, anxiously waiting for her PMS to kick in.

Our whole family recently moved to a new country. We found an apartment right in the city center—it’s surrounded entirely by high-rises, and our windows look directly out onto the windows of the building across the street. One day, quite by accident, I noticed an elderly man in the window across the street. He was intently watching the tourists strolling along the boulevard; I could see the old guy from the waist up, and his right hand was hanging down, moving vigorously. Holy shit… Just imagine—you’re out for a nice evening stroll, and someone is jerking off to you from a window. I really don't think it was Parkinson's.

My husband once witnessed a conversation like this. An American and an Englishman were arguing over who actually won World War II. The American insisted that *they* did, while the Englishman argued it was the Russians. Unable to hold back, a German man finally chimed in and said, «Why are you guys even arguing? The Russians won.» To which the American retorted, «And what gives *you* the right to butt in? How the hell would *you* know?»

Other Trash Stories

So, there was this one time I went on an «extreme» date—one I might not have even made it back from alive… It was around 2010, the heyday of facebook. I was messaging back and forth with this gorgeous girl on there when she wrote:

«I’m just so sad at home right now… so lonely...»

Now, being the «knight» that I am—or so I thought—I immediately replied:

«Hey, tell you what: I’ll come over with some cognac; you whip up something to eat, and we’ll have a good time.»

She shot back: «Let's do it!»

I was a starving student at the time, so—anticipating both food and romance, and not wanting to jinx such a stroke of luck—I spruced myself up, put on some cologne, donned a pair of clean underwear, and drove all the way across town to her place...

I arrived. The door opened; a mysterious silhouette slipped into the kitchen, and I heard:

«Go on into the living room, sit down—make yourself at home.»

And there, laid out on the table, was a spread: sausage, cheese, potatoes!

I set down my bottle of cheap, bootleg «Ararat» brandy (the three-star variety) and thought to myself:

«Any minute now, I’ll get to eat… and get to the 'other stuff' with that beauty, too. What a lucky guy I am...»

BUT!

Into the room walked a woman twice my age—with fried-looking dyed-red hair and a stretched-out tank top—looking utterly unkempt.

I just stood there:

«Um… hello? Where’s Sveta?»

(I think that was her name.)

She replied:

«Don't take this the wrong way, but *I’m* Sveta. The photos online aren't actually me—because if I’d used my real ones, you never would have shown up...»

By that point, however, the smell of food had already gone to my head, so I decided:

«Ah, screw it. I’ll stay anyway—at least I’ll get a meal out of it. Then I’ll bail.»

We sat down, had a drink or two, and I started absolutely pigging out on the sausage. Meanwhile, she began telling me the story of her life—and with every passing sentence, her spirits sank lower and lower, until she finally burst into tears. Then she started openly biting her nails, and suddenly she turns to me…

I remember it like it was yesterday: she was tear-stained, a snot bubble was inflating right out of her nose, and she said—in this sultry, languid tone:

«KISS ME.»

Total shock. I started trying to backpedal, mumbling something about how we were just friends...

With every excuse I offered, her eyes seemed to fill with blood.

At one point, she leaped up, grabbed a massive dirk that was hanging next to a portrait of her sailor grandfather, stood right over me, and screamed:

«DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU—RIGHT NOW—JUST HOW LONELY I AM?!»

And she took a swing!

They say that right before you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes; but for me, only one thought flashed through my mind:

«I’ve really done it this time… Oh God, please don't let me end up on the 'Crime News.' It’s always just drunk stabbings on there—Mom would see it on TV… what a shameful way to go...»

She stood there with the knife—seething, trembling.

I sat in the armchair—terrified, with a mouthful of half-chewed sausage and underwear that was no longer exactly clean—and switched into «therapist mode»:

«Alright… show me. But hey, let's have one more shot first, okay?»

She let out a breath and sat back down—though the knife was still clutched in her hand.

«Will you stay the night?» she asked.

I told her I would; I promised her the moon—all while pouring the drinks.

And the moment she started to take a sip, I seized the opportunity—and couldn't think of anything better to do than simply tip her over, chair and all, onto the floor.

She hit the ground like a sack of potatoes, rolled under the radiator, and let out a hiss:

«PRAY FOR YOUR LIFE, YOU BASTARD!» I grabbed my backpack with my teeth, tucked my brand-new Nikes under my arm, and bolted down the hallway—all while praying to every god imaginable that her door wouldn't have some stupid, finicky lock.

Because if it did, I’d be absolutely screwed—riddled with stab wounds and serving as the dramatic footage for the evening news.

But no—I got lucky.

Having miraculously managed to get the door open, I ran home barefoot and scared shitless.

I didn't make it back until nearly dawn.

My friend was visiting when I got there—the same guy I’d bragged to earlier that night, boasting that I was heading out on a date where I was definitely going to get laid.

And he delivered the final blow with a single question:

«So? How’d it go? Did you get laid?»

A friend of mine has an amusing little family tradition. Every morning, he calls his wife by a different name—and then refers to her by that name for the entire day. His wife has gotten used to it by now and answers to every name he uses...

Sometimes, after my wife gives me a blowjob, I’ll say to her: «You may spit it out now!» I’m a dentist.

A friend of my wife’s left her husband and ended up living alone in a rented apartment with her one-year-old daughter—all because a fortune teller predicted that she would soon find a different, more successful husband. She’s been living like that for seven years now, still waiting.

I only know this story from what my mom told me; it happened at her workplace. A quiet, unassuming woman managed to make her boss fall in love with her—but then she let it slip that she had used love spells to do it. She and the boss got married, but just six months later, she started cheating on him with a young security guard. She talked the guard into murdering her husband—who was also her boss, of course. He strangled the man with a garrote in the apartment building’s stairwell. Afterward, she turned the guard in to the cops herself, acting as if she had absolutely nothing to do with it. She then proceeded to grab all of her husband’s assets for herself. However, before she even had a chance to sell any of it, she was accidentally struck and killed by a car.

I used to love having a good laugh at YouTube videos featuring «parking masters» and other so-called «kings and queens of the road.» But I recently got my own driver's license—and now I just don't understand why people have to be so cruel to us...

I was standing out on my balcony this evening, looking across at the windows and balconies of the building opposite me. Suddenly, I spotted a guy and a girl standing out on their balcony. They were naked. And the girl was giving the guy a blowjob. The guy must have noticed me, because he pulled his cock out of her mouth and waved it at me.

I accidentally broke my boyfriend’s guitar. He’s currently away on a trip and doesn’t know the news yet. I’ve decided I need to come up with a quick cover story—and fast. I found a guitar just like the one I wanted, but I didn't have the money for it… I borrowed the cash from a friend, and in exchange, he suggested that instead of paying him back, I should try a threesome—me, him, and his girlfriend. I thought it over for a while and agreed. Now I'm sitting here, staring at this guitar, and feeling like a total sellout slut...

I work as a flight attendant. I’m having a sexual relationship with one of the pilots. And get this: I give him a blowjob while he’s at the controls. The adrenaline rush is insane. Afterward, I just calmly step out to attend to the passengers. Sometimes I even go back and do it again. I love my job.

I was having sex with my mistress. I wanted to go down on her, but she wouldn't let me. She said that territory belongs to her husband.

My girlfriend has picked up a new hobby: sexually teasing me while we’re out in public, and then mocking me as she watches me suffer with a hard-on inside my jeans. So, I got a life-sized, anatomically correct model of an erect penis and made her wear the thing inside her panties for a while. That certainly cured her of the urge to torment me. Now, however, she dreams of making me wear a bra filled with water balloons so I can find out just how much a pair of breasts actually weighs—even though I’ve never teased her about it, and her chest isn't particularly large anyway. In fact, I actually prefer a smaller, neater bust, so I’ve never even wished for hers to be any bigger.

My husband and I decided to try out a little roleplay: the «cowgirl» fantasy. The idea was for me to ride him—specifically, on his face. We ended up getting so carried away that he walked away with a broken nose and a knocked-out tooth, while I ended up needing stitches *down there*. We’ve decided not to experiment like that anymore.

My husband is incredibly jealous! And not just when it comes to other men—he’s jealous of *everyone*! Since our baby arrived, he’s been insisting that I give all my breast milk to *him* and feed the baby formula instead. He claims he won't let a single drop of «me» go to another male. It’s a bit strange, I admit… but I actually kind of like it.

Other Trash Stories

As a teenager, I used to masturbate using the long nose of a recently gifted Pinocchio plush toy. Naturally, the toy eventually got misplaced, and my mother decided to give it away to a young boy she knew. I felt a mix of emotions when I saw the little guy joyfully tugging at the nose of his new gift.

I work as a manicurist, and I can easily tell by a woman's hands whether she frequently satisfies herself with her fingers—the skin on the hands changes in a specific way. Of course, I can't exactly ask them directly to confirm my observations.

In my youth, I used to masturbate with cucumbers. Later, I went through a whole bunch of different vibrators and dildos—ranging from the cheapest ones to those with astronomical price tags. And let me tell you, after all these years, it feels absolutely amazing to go back to my roots! (Female, 31 years old-still masturbating with cucumbers!)

I’m trying to turn myself into a sort of Pavlovian dog. I masturbate while listening to a few specific songs I’ve chosen, waiting for the reflex to kick in—the urge to get aroused whenever I hear those particular tracks.

One day, while doing abs at the gym, I made a discovery. When using the leg-raise machine—specifically when you pull your legs up while keeping your knees bent—it’s actually possible to achieve an orgasm. It’s quite an experience: feeling that intense pleasure while surrounded by a crowd of people, none of whom have the slightest clue what’s going on. The main thing is to be careful with it; you really need to be able to control your body movements right at the peak of pleasure!

I had some porn playing on my iPad and was lying on the couch, masturbating. I heard a noise outside the window but didn't really think anything of it. I climaxed, then glanced over at the window—and there, hovering right outside, was a quadcopter drone with a camera! I rushed over to the window, but it had already flown off somewhere behind the buildings. Now, every single day, I frantically scour all the popular porn sites—terrified that someone might upload that video!

I’ve been masturbating since childhood by squeezing my legs together in a specific way. For a long time, I didn't see any problem with this, but when I entered into a serious relationship and things progressed to sex… I realized that I couldn't feel anything at all. Neither clitoral stimulation—whether with fingers or a tongue—nor penetration… *nothing* gave me any pleasure; it only caused discomfort. I tried to retrain myself, but to no avail. It feels like I’m destined to be a total «dead fish» in bed for the rest of my life.

We went to Moscow the other day and stayed right in the city center—a five-star hotel with all the trimmings. My absolute favorite memory from the trip? A high-tech Japanese-style toilet with a built-in bidet function. I actually climaxed twice before I figured out how to turn the water off.

Whenever I masturbate while lying in the bathtub, I always get this irrational feeling that if I open my eyes, I’ll see someone standing right over me. I have no idea where this bizarre fear came from. I live alone, so there’s theoretically nothing to worry about—but for some reason, that just seems to make the fear even more intense.

My sister asked me to order a dildo for her. She messages me every single day asking if it’s arrived yet… But I’ve actually had it for a week already. It’s been unboxed. It’s been used—repeatedly. And it shows no signs of making its way to its rightful owner anytime soon. I feel guilty about it, but I just don't want to give it back to her. I have a feeling she’s going to start getting suspicious pretty soon. It would be pretty funny if a rubber dick turned out to be the thing that drove a wedge between us.

I actually choked on my own saliva while I was masturbating the other day. I choked so hard, in fact, that while I was coughing my lungs out, I was convinced I was going to crack a rib. I was absolutely terrified. If I can't even handle masturbation, what hope is there for actual sex?

Back when I was still living with my parents, I used to load up the washing machine, turn it on, lock myself in the bathroom, and masturbate to the sound of the cycle running. Doing the laundry was basically just my excuse to get some privacy. I’ve been living alone for ages now, but to this day, whenever I turn on the washing machine-I get turned on.

When I asked my friend what she was going to get me for my birthday, she laughed and said she’d give me a vibrator or a dildo; in the end, though, she gave me a gold chain with a cute little pendant. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this disappointed...

Some people go out and buy pricey vibrators and other sex toys, but all I need is two minutes with my oooold electric toothbrush. It’s long since become useless for cleaning teeth, but it delivers amazing orgasms.

— This toy store sucks. There’s not even any Xbox games.

— Have you ever heard the story of the rich old man and the stray dog?

— No, sounds crappy.

— There was once a very old man, and one day he came across a stray dog. Well, he decided to take that dog home with him. And that dog went straight to the fire and rolled himself up in an old rug and started chewing on an old bone. Over the years, the old man bought the dog lots of expensive beds, lots of expensive meals, much better than most people get to eat. But that dog always went back to the old rug and that old bone, because he knew that that was all he really needed.

— Now, who do you think you are in this story?

— Let me guess, the rich old man who didn’t know that happiness comes from the simple things in life?

— No, you are the runny shit the dog would take every morning because he had canine colitis from living on the street so long. Now get the fuck out of my store.

Being a woman is like:

Don't get pregnant

Don't get pregnant

Don't get pregnant

Don't get pregnant

Don't get pregnant

Aren't you too young? Get an abortion

Don't get pregnant

Don't get pregnant

QUICK GET PREGNANT!

GET PREGNANT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!

Aren't you too old to be pregnant???

The World’s Strangest Case of Fraud and Forgery

In 2014, Indian police arrested Mohammad Lukman (48) and Bashir Mulla (62) on charges of fraud and the forgery of government documents. However, one month into the investigation, they were released by court order after bail totaling 600,000 rupees was posted on their behalf.

Investigators soon discovered that the court order itself was a forgery—it had been delivered by an unidentified man posing as a police officer.

Furthermore, the bail money posted for their release also turned out to be counterfeit, and the name of the lawyer who allegedly deposited the funds was fictitious and did not appear in any government registries.

Indian police are still searching for the accused, who are believed to have fled to an Arab country using forged passports and visas.

They don't require washing or cutting. They're not sticky and don't drip juice everywhere. And they come in their own biodegradable packaging. A 10/10 on my scale.

1. There is a ripeness indicator

2. Built-in opener

3. A forehead sticker as a gift

— And who is Sasha Grey?

— Sir Alexander Grey (January 6, 1882 – February 17, 1968) was a Scottish economist, poet, and translator.

— So why is everyone jerking off to him?

— We are an intellectual society here, you know.

I’m a lawyer, and right now I’m handling the strangest—and funniest—case of my career. The plaintiff and the defendant work in the same office complex. It turns out the plaintiff occasionally takes photos of women while they’re using the toilet from the adjacent stall—even though the restroom is clearly divided into separate Men's and Women's sections. Well, one day the defendant was taking a leak, and the plaintiff tried to snap a picture. She spotted his hand holding the phone peeking out from underneath the stall divider… and she peed all over it. Afterward, the plaintiff got thoroughly thrashed right there in the ladies' room and had his head dunked in the toilet bowl. The guys at the office have since dubbed him «Golden Hand»; they refuse to shake his hand and just howl with laughter whenever they see him. His reputation has officially hit rock bottom. I’m currently trying to defend him on charges of property damage—I’m not even bothering to argue for emotional distress. This is, without a doubt, the most delightful case I’ve ever handled.

My dad is a well-deserved retiree now; he spent his entire working life at the same industrial plant. They had a tragic incident there once. A woman returned from vacation with only a month and a half left to work before she could retire. She had spent twenty years working at that very workstation. On that particular day, she was reprimanded several times for failing to wear a headscarf, as required by workplace safety regulations. She just laughed it off, cracked jokes, and arrogantly boasted about her vast experience—claiming she could do her job even with her eyes closed. Then, just like in the darkest of jokes, Murphy’s Law kicked in. By the end of her shift, her hair got caught in a rotating spool; her head was yanked in right after it, and the machinery didn't stop until her head was completely torn off. So much for experience; so much for seniority. If only she had been wearing that headscarf, none of this would have happened.

I was walking down the street in a short, light dress—and no bra underneath. It started pouring rain, and I got absolutely soaked through. My dress became completely see-through; you could see my breasts and nipples clearly. As I walked, the hem kept riding up past my panties—and even higher… I caught so many guys staring! Such lust in their eyes… And for some reason, it turned me on big time.

I had this fucked-up acquaintance, and one time at a house party, he was acting like a total jackass and pulling some crazy stunts. Long story short, he licked a power outlet—and got electrocuted!

He was screaming his head off, blood was somehow pouring out of his shorts, and we were absolutely fucking stunned… We called an ambulance… It turned out that the massive electric shock had made his testicles burst...

Holy fucking shit!

I’m a theater student. I can’t watch porn—it’s all so staged and unnatural, especially when the actresses look right into the camera. Guys are fucking them in every hole, yet they’re batting their eyelashes at the lens and moaning for show. I don’t buy it, goddammit! I DON’T BUY IT! Come on, just fuck each other for real—full Stanislavski method—otherwise there’s nothing for me to jerk off to! :(

I met a sweet, petite woman. A real Thumbelina with an angelic voice. We dated for about a month, and everything seemed wonderful—at least to me. One day, she suggested we spice up our sex life; naturally, I agreed—I love to experiment. The idea was to incorporate various sex toys. But imagine my surprise when she pulled a massive dildo out of her dresser—as thick as a salami and about 30 centimeters long. That monster slid into her tiny body with absolute ease. And that’s when my insecurities came crashing down on me...

My boyfriend and I live with his parents. In the summer, they stay at their country house; in the winter, they live with us. We did a deep clean of the apartment just before they were due to arrive the next day. We scrubbed everything spotless—she even watered all her little plants and whatnot. She walked through the apartment, scrutinizing every corner, and finally declared: «Holy shit, you guys actually cleaned up! There’s absolutely nothing for me to nitpick.» Then she just walked away in silence.

Today, a female friend of mine offered me a tidy sum of money in exchange for permission to sleep with my boyfriend...

Today, I got zapped by static electricity from my boyfriend’s penis. I was about to give him a blowjob, and the moment my upper lip—and part of my teeth—brushed against the head of his cock, a jolt of electricity shot right through them. My teeth actually went numb for about ten seconds. I have no idea how that’s physically possible, but it certainly wasn't a pleasant sensation. My very first thought afterward was: «Well, talk about sparks flying between us!» The penis itself remained unharmed (it didn't get zapped).

Back in my distant childhood, every spring we’d make a point of collecting birch sap. However, the older kids would always beat us to it, swiping all the fruits of our labor and leaving us with nothing but empty containers. That is, until one of us—the bravest of the bunch—decided to take a leak right into one of their bottles...

Other Trash Stories