Briefing.

This little story happened years ago, before the “Five Guys” restaurant chain was popular. They were just starting out and hadn’t expanded to every state or city yet.

I was living in Michigan at the time, where there were no Five Guys, so I had never even heard of them. Around that time, I relocated to Ohio for a construction job and was staying at a hotel. Every morning, I’d come home from work and see a very nice-looking receptionist. It didn’t take long before I asked for her phone number, and she agreed.

Long story short, we began texting and what not. After a while of talking, she suddenly texted me: “Have you tried five guys?”

Imagine the shock I was in. I was stunned. Keep in mind, I had never heard of that restaurant. A few things ran through my brain:Why would she ask that? How did I come across as a gay guy? Why five guys?  At the same time? Why not one guy? And if she does think I’m gay, am I so obviously gay that she assumes I’ve tried five guys?It was a very confusing text.

As it turns out, she just wanted to bring me food from there. But the shock of that moment is something I will remember forever.

— This toy store sucks. There’s not even any Xbox games.

— Have you ever heard the story of the rich old man and the stray dog?

— No, sounds crappy.

— There was once a very old man, and one day he came across a stray dog. Well, he decided to take that dog home with him. And that dog went straight to the fire and rolled himself up in an old rug and started chewing on an old bone. Over the years, the old man bought the dog lots of expensive beds, lots of expensive meals, much better than most people get to eat. But that dog always went back to the old rug and that old bone, because he knew that that was all he really needed.

— Now, who do you think you are in this story?

— Let me guess, the rich old man who didn’t know that happiness comes from the simple things in life?

— No, you are the runny shit the dog would take every morning because he had canine colitis from living on the street so long. Now get the fuck out of my store.

A 15-year-old story. I lived with a girl. Beautiful one. We lived together for a long time, and now we graduated from college. Work has begun.

One fine evening, she comes up to me and says that we need to build a business in order to make good money. And she had an idea.

The idea was to motivate me properly. She decided that we wouldn't have sex until I came up with and launched an interesting and profitable project.

I must pay tribute, she did well. After 3 months, she had to look for another apartment. We lived at my place.

A young woman inherited a vast fortune, and her entire life became a perpetual party. Sex with multiple partners, orgies, yachts, expensive houses, diamonds – she indulged in it all. Despite her constant drinking, her health remained stubbornly perfect. By the age of 50, with a partner count exceeding a thousand men and women, she simply lost interest in sex. In a final act of defiance against all odds, she ran out of money, falling in love with an unassuming Asian man who had remained single his entire life, whose greatest joy was filing his taxes meticulously on time, and pleasing his boss. They died at the same age of 72.

You are that Asian guy...

©MadRomas

Once upon a time, there was a man unlike any other. He possessed an uncanny ability to be immune from the law, an invincible figure, so to speak. No matter his transgressions, he never suffered any consequences. He was, seemingly, the master of his own destiny.

Early in life, he never received a speeding ticket, not even once. Buying and selling drugs, consorting with prostitutes, engaging in brawls, stealing cars, breaking into homes – none of it mattered. No one was looking for him. Once, he stabbed a man in a dark alley and left the knife at the crime scene, yet nothing ever came of it. Years passed, and he grew bored with the realization that no one cared about his actions. Breaking the law became a tiresome and unfulfilling pursuit.

Eventually, the police caught up with him, collecting enough long-overlooked evidence to secure a conviction. He received a sentence of 254 years to life and found himself living as a supervisor in the prison laundromat.

…Later, he was shanked for sniffing inmates’ dirty underwear…

©Mad