Original ad:

From Mike Partlow to **************@*********.org

Hey,

I have a proposition for you. I will give you $50 if you let me borrow your Escalade for tomorrow night. I have been trying to get a date with this girl, but the only way I was able to get her to go on a date with me was by telling her that I am a very rich and powerful drug dealer. The problem is, I am not a drug dealer, and I actually drive a 91 Honda Accord. She will know I am lying if I pick her up in that. The only chance I have of getting with this chick is if I roll up in your ballin Escalade. If you let me borrow it, on top of giving you $50, I will put a few gallons of gas in it. I promise we will not have sex on your seats.

Please help me out!

Mike

From James ******* to Me

Absolutely not. The car is not for rent!

From Mike Partlow to James ********

James,

I am willing to pay you up to $60 to borrow your Escalade. If you are worried about me messing it up, you can ride with me. In fact, you can drive it. I'll tell her you are my bodyguard. That would actually work out better, I think. Do you look like a bodyguard? You'd have to wear a suit, and possibly one of those earpieces with the coiled cord running down your neck. You should occasionally touch the earpiece to your ear, like you are listening to some badass security chatter. You shouldn't talk have to talk much, just drive and look badass.

Please reconsider my offer.

Mike

From James ******** to Me

No. That is stupid. Maybe you should try asking out a woman that isn't a materialistic gold digger.

From Mike Partlow to James *********

Golddigger or not, this girl's rack is phenominal. Tell you what, if you consider my offer and I end up getting laid, I will try to snap a picture of her tits with my cellphone and send it to you. Trust me, they are great.

Mike

From James ******** to Me

Shut up. You aren't borrowing my car.

From Mike Partlow to James *********

Well James, you are being a cockblocker. I hope next time you are trying to get your D wet, you get the shit cockblocked out of you.

1. Murphy's Law

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

According to this principle, if something bad can happen, then it will definitely happen. At the same time, the worst of the possible unpleasant situations will happen.

2. Meskimen's Law

There is never enough time to do a good job. But it is always there to redo everything.

And it happens. We postpone an important task until the last moment, then we deal with it somehow and spend much more on redoing it.

3. Poe's law

Without a smiling smiley face or any other obvious sign of humor, it is impossible to joke about sharp topics so that at least someone does not take it seriously.

Any joke or parody on a hot topic is bound to be perceived by someone as a true statement.

4. Ettore's Observation

The line next to you always moves faster.

Even if there are five people in it with full carts, and in yours there are only two with a bottle of water and a pack of pasta. Either the cash register breaks down, or one of them starts counting out the change.

5. Khleid's Law

Assign a difficult task to a lazy employee. He will find the easiest way to solve it.

He will just be too lazy to complicate his work.

6. The Law of Search

You need to start the search from the most inappropriate place.

If you don't expect to find scissors in the laundry basket, maybe that's where they are.

7. Hanlon's Razor

Never explain with malicious intent what can easily be explained by stupidity.

First, look for the reason in human mistakes and only then think that the person did something on purpose, out of bad intentions.

8. Pareto's Law

20% of the effort gives 80% of the result, the remaining 80% of the effort is only 20% of the result.

The ratio of effort and result is unequal: 20% of customers bring the company 80% profit, and 80% of the time spent on current tasks will bring only 20% benefit. And so it is in every area of life.

9. Parkinson's Law

The work fills the time allotted for it.

You can complete a task in one day, but you have set a week for it. And you'll be working on it for a week.

10. Lerman's Law

Any technical problem can be solved if there is enough time and money.

Lerman's corollary: you will always run out of time or money.

11. Sturgeon's Revelation

90% of anything is nonsense.

If you are told that 90% of your thesis is nonsense, remember that this applies not only to your writing.

12. Peter's Principle

Competent employees, climbing the career ladder, reach their level of incompetence.

According to this principle, sooner or later a person will find himself in a position that he cannot cope with.

13. Gumperson's Law

The probability of achieving the desired result is inversely proportional to the strength of desire.

When you are late for work, you get stuck in traffic, buses break down, you have to walk. But if you decide to take a walk, then these buses will pass by you one by one.

14. Finagle's Fourth Law

If the work goes wrong, then any attempt to save the situation will only make it worse.

Sometimes the best is the enemy of the good.

15. Chisholm's Third Law

People don't understand sentences the way the person who makes them does.

Even if you express a thought clearly and clearly, someone will interpret it in their own way.

16. The axiom of Kahn and Orben

If nothing else helps, read the instructions.

For some reason, it is remembered too late.

17. The Law of Ould and Kahn

The effectiveness of the meeting decreases in proportion to the increase in the number of participants and the time spent on it.

Prolonged meetings with a large number of people discussing often lead to nothing.

18. Hendrickson's Law

If the problem requires repeated meetings, they will eventually become more important than the problem itself.

And, perhaps, it will not be solved.

19. The Law of Writing

As soon as you seal the envelope or drop the letter in the mailbox, an important thought will immediately come to your mind.

In the case of emails, of course, everything is simpler. You can send the second one after that — it won't take much time.

20. The McMahon Rule

It doesn't matter what exactly you are looking for on the Internet. At least one porn site will fall under your search criteria.

Okay, Google.

21. The law of career for women

Think like a man, act like a lady, work like a horse.

And don't forget to cook a delicious dinner!

22. The first law of correction

Information that involves reworking the project will be received by the author only when all the drawings have already been completed.

An important part of the work has already been done, but who cares? Except for you, who spent a lot of time on it.

23. The law of selective gravity

If you drop an item, it will fall so as to cause as much damage as possible.

Or it will roll into the farthest corner, from where it is almost impossible to get it.

24. Zimerga's Law of Voluntary Labor

A person always agrees to take up a job when it is no longer necessary.

Because, most likely, he won't have to do anything.

25. Richard's Rule of Interdependence

Anything you keep for a long time can be thrown away. But once you throw it away, you'll need it.

The world needed a hero. An embassy, under siege. Hostages at risk. The pressure was on.

“We need the best,” the general barked. “Someone who can handle this.”

They looked at his file: Top scores in all combat situations. Unmatched tactical awareness. He’d broken every record. “The Shepherd,” they called him.

He was cocky, sure. Talked a big game. But the numbers didn’t lie. He’d aced every difficult task. They’d asked him, “Are you ready soldier?”

He’d smirked. “Born ready.”

The news cameras rolled as he approached the embassy. The Shepherd, our savior. He walked with confidence, a seasoned warrior.

He took a step.

A trip.

A gun shot.

He died.

They later found out, that The Shepherd spent his life in his basement mastering virtual reality games and shooting his digital gun.

©Mad

My solution for bloatware is this: by law you should hire in every programming team someone who is Like, A Guy who has a crappy laptop with 4GB and an integrated graphics card, no scratch that, 2 GB of RAM, and a rural internet connection. And every time someone in your team proposes to add s It like NPCs with invisible pores or ray tracing or all the bloatware that Windows, Adobe, etc. are doing now, they have to come back and try your project in the Guy's laptop and answer to him. He is allowed to insult you and humiliate you if it doesn't work in his laptop, and you should by law apologize and optimize it for him. If you try to put any kind of DRUM or permanent internet connection, he is legally allowed to shoot you.

With about 5 or 10 years of that, we will fix the world.

There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning, the only reason you suffer the shitty boss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. «Fear or revere me, but please think I'm special.» We share an addiction. We're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The «hip, hip, hoo-fucking-rah.» Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Cos we're just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others.

1. My kink is getting teased, mislead and scammed out of my money while receiving low quality pics, shorts and spam advertising in exchange.

2. Because I don't have a personal life, I don't meet new people and I spend more time at work than anywhere else. If $5 helps me feel less lonely, then why not.

3. My friend is in the top 10% on OnlyFans, and she told me about the strange requests she received. For example, she was paid $300 for a video where she sneezes from a certain angle, filming it in a POV style, as if she sneezes in a guy's face.

4. It's hard to find girls who like the same things as me. And those who like the same things as me are very often not the ones I would like to meet in real life.

5. Because I am addicted to porn and have always felt a huge attraction to ordinary women. Not to those typical porn actresses with comically big tits and silicone asses, but to women who can be found in everyday life — for example, in a store, or at work.

6. Because that top chan from school who was so inaccessible is now urinating in her panties for money. I never thought I'd see her like this before. It was worth that $5.

7. To support the arts.

8. Because I can't go on dates anymore and haven't been physically close to anyone for many years. I'm a middle—aged man, I don't have the time or money for dating, and dating itself is shit right now. Besides, I live in a rural area where there is stupidly no one to meet.

9. I know that I am a loser, and there is a high probability that I am writing to a bot or its assistant, but the very illusion of communication is pleasant to me. Better than a complete lack of attention from women.

10. Because I want to see content created by specific girls. So if it's inexpensive, why not? Besides, I like the feeling that I'm supporting an ordinary person. I wouldn't donate to a porn company, but if it's a girl trying to make ends meet, then that's a completely different matter.

In general, I live in America and lately I have been hearing more and more often from Americans that living in the USA is becoming prohibitively expensive. In addition to this, the other day I came across a post on the Internet where Americans discussed what things suddenly moved from the category of “any homeless person can afford it” to the category of “well, maybe I'll buy it someday”

Fried chicken wings

The fact is that until the 90s, chicken wings were not considered meat at all. Butcher shops simply threw them away or gave them to someone very cheaply, like giblets. In the 90s, many fast food chains realized that it was possible to buy such meat for cheap and earn money from it. So since the 90s, for a long time the price of wings has been around 10-30 cents per wing. These are the prices that many Americans remember, who in college took a couple of beers and a bucket of wings for 2-3 dollars.   Of course, I did not catch this, but even 5 years ago I often took chicken wings at a price of $6 for 8 pieces (80 cents per piece). Now 8 wings cost $15 (almost $2 per wing)

Bowling

Bowling has always been considered the entertainment of the working class, and therefore was very cheap. Think of any American movie from the 80s-90s. Where does a guy relax with friends after work? Of course, in the bowling alley. You pay a couple of dollars for the game, take a beer at the bar for five and have a pretty good evening. Currently, a bowling trip for two can cost around $50-100. Fortunately, there are still places in the «bumblefuck» of America where prices have not changed much since the 90s. I've found bowling for $5 myself. Unfortunately, not only the prices, but everything else has not changed since the 90s — old balloons, worn-out interior, worn and smelly shoes for rent.

Movie tickets

It's exactly the same story as with bowling. It was $1-2 for a ticket, it became $15-25 + a bucket of popcorn with cola will cost the same amount.

Concert tickets

As some Americans recall, in the 90s it was possible to deliver newspapers after school on a bike and easily earn money for a concert of your favorite band, and more than once a month. Now concert tickets have become a real luxury. Firstly, ticket sales are essentially handled by one company that has monopolized the market. Secondly, prices have already soared for everything. That year, I took Pink tickets at a price of $200 per ticket somewhere at the back of the hall. The first rows cost $1500-3000 each. Seriously, even if Pink sings sitting on my lap, well, that's $500 maximum (After all, she's not young anymore). And if you only knew how much tickets for Taylor Swift cost. Google it for fun. Many Americans fly to her concerts in other countries, because even with a flight and a hotel, it is twice cheaper than going to her concert in the USA.

Tacos

In the old days, there were vans on every corner where Latinos sold tacos for $0.5 — $1. Now one taco costs $5 Since I love tacos, I sincerely do not understand why I should take 3 tacos for $20 (with taxes and tips) in some trailer when I can take them for the same price in a restaurant.

Thrift Stores

An era has passed when a used thing could be bought many times cheaper. Now, with the development of the Internet, a crowd of online resellers has appeared, which buys up everything that is of at least some value and resells it at a margin. eBay has turned from an online flea market of used items into a trading platform for resale and online stores. Thrift shops and second-hand shops have begun to inflate prices, as a crowd of overbought people runs in there in search of rarities. If earlier, in the absence of money, it was necessary to go only to the second-hand store, now it does not hurt to compare prices first. Perhaps a new thing in the same Walmart will cost just a little more than a used one in Goodwill (this is a chain of second-hand stores)

Real estate

There's nothing to discuss here. American grandfathers bought houses for a «bag of corn», and now they cost millions of dollars. For old times' sake, local grandfathers continue to tell their grandchildren, “Work hard and then you can also buy yourself a house, like I did in my youth!“. No. No one will be able to buy a house just by working. After all, you are the one who fucked up our economy.

Apparently, an entire era is coming to an end. The America that we saw in childhood in American films is gradually changing. An ordinary American will no longer be able to drive to school in a Chevrolet Camaro, and after college buy himself a two-story house, 2 cars and start a family of 3-4 children. Now it's more like middle-class life.

Sergeant Major Maxwell “Ace” Archer was precision; a perfect sniper. Every element of his existence, was perfectly ordered. His schedule was a clockwork masterpiece, his accuracy unmatched, and his focus a laser beam. He was the embodiment of the ideal sniper: disciplined, efficient, and relentlessly, terrifyingly, on time. 

Living he's quiet life out in the woods, peaceful expensive house  with anything a human been needs to live a perfect life. With offshore bank account. 

Than as it usually end up happening is he meets a woman, whether its random or through the job he had to do. Falls in love, mad love. A missed shot, a careless mistake in planning, because all of his attention is on the woman, has caused a chaos. Reputation is ruined.

Circumstances of that, he loses the job that he worked so hard for and building trust and perfect job score. 

Him and his woman had to live that life behind to start a family, while killing all the people that was after him for not completing a job. It was a mess, but he did it. He did it for the love of his life and a new chapter they can begin building together. No more secrets and everything is shared. Working a steady construction job with bank account that had enough money to last for ever.

Few months pass and his woman cheats on him with explanation — «You are not the same tough guy I fell in love with and your hands are softer». Than she emptied his bank account, because she's an independent woman and needs to explore her sexuality in Dubai.

He developed a drinking problem and died on the street...

The end.

©Mad