For days now, every prime-time news broadcast has been explaining to me in detail that the main problem in our country is Epstein, who died 7 years ago, and his parties. As a result, everything I know about Epstein, I know against my will. I absolutely don't understand why I, should care about the parties of a dead pervert from twenty years ago. I only recently learned of his existence. But my government says I should care. So I'm worried.

Most of all, I'm worried that they can't explain to me what this whole thing even is? First, it's an elite club for the world's richest perverts, and then it turns out to be a free-for-all, where people went with their families. Everyone was there, from Bill Gates and Michael Jackson to Chris Tucker and Stephen, damn it, Hawking! I'm especially worried about the last one. The only things he could move were his finger and his eye. In what capacity did he go to the island? To create storm with his finger? Or did someone pay to have Hawking himself defiled and enter the world of astrophysics full throttle? Or maybe he was normal before the island, and after all this, that's when everything started?

I'm also worried that the interiors of the place where the world's richest people partied look like the house of every other one of our officials. You know, the ones who are rewarded for their very diligent work. The same gaudy gold, columns, hideous statues, and all that. That's why the only people Epstein didn't invite were gypsies. They wouldn't even make it to the orgies; they would have ejaculated from excitement right on the pier. At the same time, the «expensive and luxurious» look in some photos is juxtaposed with the dilapidated floors and interiors of a drug den in others. It feels like while Stephen Hawking is uncontrollably having sex like a horse on a piano between golden columns, Bill Gates and Richard Branson are sniffing glue from a bag on a worn-out sofa.

I'm also worried that these extravagant parties look like Halloween celebrations in a second-year dorm. Different budgets, same result. In the photo, there's a woman lying in a bathtub half-filled with sauce. It's supposed to be a bathtub of blood. I look at it and I'm genuinely ashamed that people with unlimited money only have enough imagination for this. And in the background is our national treasure – the People's Artist, Wolverine – Hugh Jackman. I'm especially worried about him, that he's forced to witness such tastelessness. Lady Gaga is fine though, she was practically shoveling it in with a spoon, eating for two. It's a shame she didn't have any bread – she won't get full that way. Although even her music videos, in terms of extravagance, put all of Epstein's parties combined to shame. Because her videos represent the expectations of the coolest parties, while Epstein's parties are the harsh reality.