Can I become a model?

I've wanted to be a model since I was a child. I'm tall and have a great figure. All my friends and family say I have model looks. I even do fashion theater. But I have a problem with my face — freckles. Of course, I know that there are models with freckles. But I'm still at a loss. Tell me, can I become a model? It's very important to me!

Arina

He, Arina, who told you that there are models with freckles? No way! The most important requirement when selecting girls with model looks is the absence of freckles! So you have no chance in the modeling business, just know that… Well, don't cry, Arina, don't be upset. There is one solution. Basically, first you sleep with the son of the modeling agency's producer, then with the producer himself, then you blackmail them both and squeeze money out of them. And the freckles… Nonsense. If you put a bag over your head, no one will even notice.

What should I do with a friend like that?

I have a friend. We've been friends since kindergarten. She's a cute girl, and she's always had guys around her. I've always been single, never dated anyone. I'm quite attractive, but a bit chubby. The problem is that she can constantly, without even realizing it, tease me. For example, we go out with the intention of meeting guys. She says, «I don't need anyone, take them!» I start working my magic, flirting with the guys like an idiot. But in the end, they still like Anya. She even forgets what she promised in the beginning. Of course, I don't mind doing anything for my friend, but she doesn't date them, she just flirts for show. And the next day, she's clearly teasing me, looking at me with a smirk and saying, «And you're missing out again...» I'm already afraid to go outside with her...

Lena,

Shit-question, dear Lena! It seems you still don't know the basic wisdom of life. If you wrap soap in a towel and beat someone with it, there won't be any marks left on the victim's body that a forensic examination could record. So, are you still tormented by the question of what to do with your friend?

I'm afraid of my boyfriend

I have a problem, and I don't know how to deal with it. The thing is, I'm afraid of my boyfriend. He treats me well, but as soon as I feel like he's about to come over, I get nervous, literally irritated by everything. I pace around the room. When I'm with him, I feel calm, but before he comes, I'm simply afraid to see him.

Christina

He, for some reason, I immediately pictured your boyfriend: a shaved-headed freak in a leather collar with spikes and a bull terrier tattooed on his chest. One of your boy's eyes has been replaced by a red bio-implant, and his caked-on brains are leaking out of a hole in his skull. He holds a rotating circular saw in his left hand, and in place of his right, a jagged hook. No matter, sweetie: love will come with time...

Mom caught us

Mom caught me in bed with my boyfriend. Mom was very upset, yelled at us, and kicked my beloved out of the house. Now she doesn't want to hear anything about him, although she used to treat him very well. How can I reconcile them and improve my relationship with Mom?

Lyuba:

You have a strange mom, Lyuba… Would she like it better if she caught you in bed with someone else's boyfriend? Or with some fat, bald guy in a pink cap with bunny ears and his hands handcuffed behind his back. Imagine, Mom comes into your room, and this donut in a leather collar with spikes is licking your shiny, black high-heeled boots and squeals every time you hit him with a seven-tailed whip. By the way, here's an idea: you can put on a performance like this, and Mom will immediately run to make peace with that boyfriend of yours. And then she will make your bed, hand you a box of condoms and go to sleep at her friends house.

My secrets are revealed

My boyfriend came to my house and found my personal diary. I asked him to give it back, but he started flipping through it, almost as a joke, and stumbled upon the last entry, which said I didn't love him anymore: we'd had a fight the day before. Now he's mad at me, and I want to make peace with him, but I don't know how.

Olga

… Heh, Olga, a diary is a dangerous thing! If anyone had found the notes I kept when I was sixteen, I'd have been sent to a mental hospital for electroshock treatment on the spot, without trial or investigation. Because not everyone could read something like, «July 15th. My sister caught me masturbating in front of the mirror in her underwear again. I was so upset that I didn't even go out that evening to make another sacrifice to the Almighty. I think the TV is spying on me. It smelled of purple radiation all evening. The teacher said that sniffing glue won't lead me to anything good.» Believe me, Olga: you can't trust your thoughts to paper or people! Only to a cool white friend standing in the toilet can you fearlessly pour out your soul – he will understand everything and won't ask stupid questions.

Hair here and there

I have a lot of hair growing on my body. Lots of it on my chest and even on the top of my palm. Now it's starting to appear on my face too. I've tried removing the hair with a special cream, but it takes a long time and the cream takes a long time too. Could this be some kind of disorder? Please help me.

Alisa

This is completely normal: you're simply a victim of the cycle of radioactive decay products in nature. Surely in a past life, you were the head of a large oil refinery and sank a tanker in the middle of a pristine sea — and now you're getting your comeuppance: karma, and all that bullshit. In general, I don't understand why you're so upset about your hairy chest: with such an artifact, you could star in super-exclusive porn for crazy money. Or, at worst, change your gender — then everything will be fine. By the way, advanced users use gasoline or napalm to remove body hair — I highly recommend it.

What if it hurts?

I have a great boyfriend, we've been together for six months. Just recently, we decided to have sex for the first time. It started out great, but then it started hurting so much that he realized it and immediately stopped. In the end, we never had it. He's open to trying again, but I'm afraid of that pain. Maybe there's something wrong with me?

Natasha:

You see, Natasha, it's pretty hard to answer your question definitively without all the necessary information. First, what kind of sex did you have: anal, oral, or vaginal? Second, what size penis does your boyfriend have? Maybe he's impotent, so he wore a double-ended, 25-centimeter clip-on penis with steel spikes? And tied you to a radiator with barbed wire while simultaneously hanging six-kilogram weights from your nipples. Or maybe you weren't alone, and the discomfort was caused by your boyfriend's pet giraffe, which he previously pumped full of sex stimulants? You should try having sex with your boyfriend again, film the whole thing, and send it to us and we'll sort it out in a small group over a beer or two.

I knew that he would leave me

I met a man much older than me. Our great love promised a happy future. But he took advantage of me and left me. I had a premonition, but I still gave in to our love. Now I feel terribly bad, I'm depressed, and I eat all the time to calm my nerves. What should I do?

Katya

Aha, another story from the «If you want great and pure love, come to the hayloft tonight» series. Heh, Katya, to calm your nerves, you need to not only eat, but also drink! And vodka, if possible! And as for giving in to great love, remember once and for all — all men need only one thing… or rather, only seven (the rule of seven «t»): eat, drink, fuck, sleep, pee, poop, and vomit. All other functions, like generating compliments and declarations of love, are not essential for the male body, and therefore work in the background exclusively for one, well-known purpose. I still don't understand why they don't teach girls this in school.

Will dancing harm me?

I'm very thin, or rather, skinny. I have thin, bowed legs, big knees, and shins like sticks. I used to do choreography. Now I've decided to make up for lost time. Do you think it will help my legs become more beautiful? If I start dancing again, won't I lose even more weight?

Irina

Who knows about choreography, but if you, Irina, in addition to thin, bowed legs, also have an incredibly large head, long, gnarled fingers, and blue skin, then you're an alien from outer space who apparently ate too many mushrooms and thinks she's a girl named Irina, who's into dancing.

I don't like my belly

I have a problem. I'm a tall, thin girl, but my belly has been growing lately. It makes me look completely disproportionate. I don't follow any diets, but I try to eat healthy. Maybe it's some kind of disease? Can you tell me how to get rid of this disgusting belly?

Masha

My God, what kind of interactive cabinet of curiosities is this? Nothing but hairy women writing, rickety aliens, and dystrophic people with bloated bellies. Although, in your case, Masha, everything is crystal clear: if your stomach hurts, it means someone is living in it. Don't repeat your parents mistakes — use condoms.