My husband has been paying, in my opinion, an inordinate amount of attention to naked women lately: he can spend hours, watching erotic films, and visiting special websites. This behavior offends me and makes me think that I'm boring him. In response to my reproaches, he only jokes off, saying, «In reality, I'm not cheating on you!»

Nadezhda K.

Nadya, well, you're boring him, so what, it's nothing — life's a trifle. Any normal man would be stunned… I mean, excuse me, but missionary sex with candles and romantic music would get a little boring! I'll share with you the wisdom of the ages. One evening, put on high black boots, stockings with garters, and do your hair like your husband's mother had twenty years ago. Eat some cold ice cream, then go into the room where your man is enjoying himself with a bottle of beer, and without saying a word, give him a blowjob with your cool mouth. After a stormy finale, silently bring him a cigarette and go for a walk. All good things are not forgotten, and all good things are a dream.

My friend suggests adding some variety to intimate relationships. Tell us what is acceptable between partners and what is not?

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No problem, I'll tell you! The following is acceptable between partners: oral sex, sodomy, sado-masochism, fetishism, necrophilia, zoophilia, group sex, exhibitionism, voyeurism, dendrophilia, coprophagia, and a whole host of other interesting things, which you can learn more about in a medical reference book, under the heading «sexual deviations.» The only thing that is unacceptable between partners is listening to music composed by Aphex Twin or DJ Hallucinogen during sex. Still, that's a bit too much. Although, for example, I used to abuse it, you know, I had a little sin. I still remember waking up in a holding cell after a three-hour orgasm, with foam in my mouth. Ah, youth!

Why do most men fall asleep right after sex?

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Because they're sleepy!

Every time my husband and I get ready to go to the movies or to visit friends, we start arguing. He always does something that pisses me off. As a result, I stay home in tears, and my husband slams the door and leaves. He thinks I don't want to go anywhere, that's why I'm putting on this whole show. But that's not true!

Larisa B.

Of course not, it's all the fault of that uncouth boor who's only too keen to irritate you. He combs his hair to the right instead of the left, like you'd like, and he doesn't put the toilet seat down. And the disgusting sound he makes while washing dishes is just plain dreadful. And the bastard does it all on purpose, just to annoy you. My colleague from the Brain Institute would easily diagnose this case as «persecution mania,» but I, Larisa B, will be understanding. It's not your fault that you spend your husband's time bothering him day after day. All women do it regularly. Why? It's the eternal mystery of existence.

I'm completely exhausted, and my parents won't do anything to help. I entered college this year. I really enjoy studying, but unfortunately, I live in the suburbs, and I have to spend a lot of time commuting. I'm so tired I fall asleep during lectures. They won't let me live in a dorm, and my parents are afraid to rent me an apartment, even though their income allows it. They think it's dangerous to leave me alone and unsupervised in a big city.

Ksenia P.:

Come on, it's not dangerous at all! Point out that line to your parents; As I would say, «OK, fellow parents, listen up. In a couple of months of free time, your daughter will make a lot of good friends, „wonderful people,“ as she puts it. They'll all be junkies, of course, that's for sure. So, the most important thing: you should be the one supplying your daughter's drugs, not some schmuck from the nearest market. Then, firstly, your daughter won't be exposed to any crap, and secondly, you'll make a killing selling drugs to her „wonderful friends.“ And anyway, running a crack house is a very profitable business, don't miss your chance. And in two or three years, your daughter will grow up, become smarter, and marry a fat American. In short, everything will be fine, rent her an apartment!»

Not long ago, I started attending psychoanalysis sessions. But over time, I realized that my feelings for the psychoanalyst went beyond trust or sympathy. I have a husband, but our relationship is not working out. That's why I came for a consultation. Now I don't know what to do. I'm hesitant to confess everything to the doctor yet, afraid he'll refuse to treat me, and I'll no longer have a reason to see him.

Anastasia S.

Yeah, you, Anastasia S., apparently weren't stupid enough to «play doctor» as a kid, so it came back to haunt you: And yeah, it's cool to be a psychoanalyst: you tell a patient some nonsense, and they'll believe it, worry about it, and rummage through their childhood memories. Or no: it's more fun to be a journalist; millions fall for all kinds of nonsense. Although, there are lots of different interesting professions. I had a friend who was a web designer, and he used to tell all the women that if you slept with a web designer, you'd become a web designer. And they fell for it: Oh, damn, I completely forgot: I'm supposed to give you some advice. Uh-huh-huh: like, kill yourself! Vasya, I wrote the answer, have you poured the vodka yet?