My husband has been paying, in my opinion, an inordinate amount of attention to naked women lately: he can spend hours, watching erotic films, and visiting special websites. This behavior offends me and makes me think that I'm boring him. In response to my reproaches, he only jokes off, saying, «In reality, I'm not cheating on you!»

Nadezhda K.

Nadya, well, you're boring him, so what, it's nothing — life's a trifle. Any normal man would be stunned… I mean, excuse me, but missionary sex with candles and romantic music would get a little boring! I'll share with you the wisdom of the ages. One evening, put on high black boots, stockings with garters, and do your hair like your husband's mother had twenty years ago. Eat some cold ice cream, then go into the room where your man is enjoying himself with a bottle of beer, and without saying a word, give him a blowjob with your cool mouth. After a stormy finale, silently bring him a cigarette and go for a walk. All good things are not forgotten, and all good things are a dream.

My friend suggests adding some variety to intimate relationships. Tell us what is acceptable between partners and what is not?

No signature.

No problem, I'll tell you! The following is acceptable between partners: oral sex, sodomy, sado-masochism, fetishism, necrophilia, zoophilia, group sex, exhibitionism, voyeurism, dendrophilia, coprophagia, and a whole host of other interesting things, which you can learn more about in a medical reference book, under the heading «sexual deviations.» The only thing that is unacceptable between partners is listening to music composed by Aphex Twin or DJ Hallucinogen during sex. Still, that's a bit too much. Although, for example, I used to abuse it, you know, I had a little sin. I still remember waking up in a holding cell after a three-hour orgasm, with foam in my mouth. Ah, youth!

Why do most men fall asleep right after sex?

No caption.

Because they're sleepy!

Every time my husband and I get ready to go to the movies or to visit friends, we start arguing. He always does something that pisses me off. As a result, I stay home in tears, and my husband slams the door and leaves. He thinks I don't want to go anywhere, that's why I'm putting on this whole show. But that's not true!

Larisa B.

Of course not, it's all the fault of that uncouth boor who's only too keen to irritate you. He combs his hair to the right instead of the left, like you'd like, and he doesn't put the toilet seat down. And the disgusting sound he makes while washing dishes is just plain dreadful. And the bastard does it all on purpose, just to annoy you. My colleague from the Brain Institute would easily diagnose this case as «persecution mania,» but I, Larisa B, will be understanding. It's not your fault that you spend your husband's time bothering him day after day. All women do it regularly. Why? It's the eternal mystery of existence.

I'm completely exhausted, and my parents won't do anything to help. I entered college this year. I really enjoy studying, but unfortunately, I live in the suburbs, and I have to spend a lot of time commuting. I'm so tired I fall asleep during lectures. They won't let me live in a dorm, and my parents are afraid to rent me an apartment, even though their income allows it. They think it's dangerous to leave me alone and unsupervised in a big city.

Ksenia P.:

Come on, it's not dangerous at all! Point out that line to your parents; As I would say, «OK, fellow parents, listen up. In a couple of months of free time, your daughter will make a lot of good friends, „wonderful people,“ as she puts it. They'll all be junkies, of course, that's for sure. So, the most important thing: you should be the one supplying your daughter's drugs, not some schmuck from the nearest market. Then, firstly, your daughter won't be exposed to any crap, and secondly, you'll make a killing selling drugs to her „wonderful friends.“ And anyway, running a crack house is a very profitable business, don't miss your chance. And in two or three years, your daughter will grow up, become smarter, and marry a fat American. In short, everything will be fine, rent her an apartment!»

Not long ago, I started attending psychoanalysis sessions. But over time, I realized that my feelings for the psychoanalyst went beyond trust or sympathy. I have a husband, but our relationship is not working out. That's why I came for a consultation. Now I don't know what to do. I'm hesitant to confess everything to the doctor yet, afraid he'll refuse to treat me, and I'll no longer have a reason to see him.

Anastasia S.

Yeah, you, Anastasia S., apparently weren't stupid enough to «play doctor» as a kid, so it came back to haunt you: And yeah, it's cool to be a psychoanalyst: you tell a patient some nonsense, and they'll believe it, worry about it, and rummage through their childhood memories. Or no: it's more fun to be a journalist; millions fall for all kinds of nonsense. Although, there are lots of different interesting professions. I had a friend who was a web designer, and he used to tell all the women that if you slept with a web designer, you'd become a web designer. And they fell for it: Oh, damn, I completely forgot: I'm supposed to give you some advice. Uh-huh-huh: like, kill yourself! Vasya, I wrote the answer, have you poured the vodka yet?

Can I become a model?

I've wanted to be a model since I was a child. I'm tall and have a great figure. All my friends and family say I have model looks. I even do fashion theater. But I have a problem with my face — freckles. Of course, I know that there are models with freckles. But I'm still at a loss. Tell me, can I become a model? It's very important to me!

Arina

He, Arina, who told you that there are models with freckles? No way! The most important requirement when selecting girls with model looks is the absence of freckles! So you have no chance in the modeling business, just know that… Well, don't cry, Arina, don't be upset. There is one solution. Basically, first you sleep with the son of the modeling agency's producer, then with the producer himself, then you blackmail them both and squeeze money out of them. And the freckles… Nonsense. If you put a bag over your head, no one will even notice.

What should I do with a friend like that?

I have a friend. We've been friends since kindergarten. She's a cute girl, and she's always had guys around her. I've always been single, never dated anyone. I'm quite attractive, but a bit chubby. The problem is that she can constantly, without even realizing it, tease me. For example, we go out with the intention of meeting guys. She says, «I don't need anyone, take them!» I start working my magic, flirting with the guys like an idiot. But in the end, they still like Anya. She even forgets what she promised in the beginning. Of course, I don't mind doing anything for my friend, but she doesn't date them, she just flirts for show. And the next day, she's clearly teasing me, looking at me with a smirk and saying, «And you're missing out again...» I'm already afraid to go outside with her...

Lena,

Shit-question, dear Lena! It seems you still don't know the basic wisdom of life. If you wrap soap in a towel and beat someone with it, there won't be any marks left on the victim's body that a forensic examination could record. So, are you still tormented by the question of what to do with your friend?

I'm afraid of my boyfriend

I have a problem, and I don't know how to deal with it. The thing is, I'm afraid of my boyfriend. He treats me well, but as soon as I feel like he's about to come over, I get nervous, literally irritated by everything. I pace around the room. When I'm with him, I feel calm, but before he comes, I'm simply afraid to see him.

Christina

He, for some reason, I immediately pictured your boyfriend: a shaved-headed freak in a leather collar with spikes and a bull terrier tattooed on his chest. One of your boy's eyes has been replaced by a red bio-implant, and his caked-on brains are leaking out of a hole in his skull. He holds a rotating circular saw in his left hand, and in place of his right, a jagged hook. No matter, sweetie: love will come with time...

Mom caught us

Mom caught me in bed with my boyfriend. Mom was very upset, yelled at us, and kicked my beloved out of the house. Now she doesn't want to hear anything about him, although she used to treat him very well. How can I reconcile them and improve my relationship with Mom?

Lyuba:

You have a strange mom, Lyuba… Would she like it better if she caught you in bed with someone else's boyfriend? Or with some fat, bald guy in a pink cap with bunny ears and his hands handcuffed behind his back. Imagine, Mom comes into your room, and this donut in a leather collar with spikes is licking your shiny, black high-heeled boots and squeals every time you hit him with a seven-tailed whip. By the way, here's an idea: you can put on a performance like this, and Mom will immediately run to make peace with that boyfriend of yours. And then she will make your bed, hand you a box of condoms and go to sleep at her friends house.

My secrets are revealed

My boyfriend came to my house and found my personal diary. I asked him to give it back, but he started flipping through it, almost as a joke, and stumbled upon the last entry, which said I didn't love him anymore: we'd had a fight the day before. Now he's mad at me, and I want to make peace with him, but I don't know how.

Olga

… Heh, Olga, a diary is a dangerous thing! If anyone had found the notes I kept when I was sixteen, I'd have been sent to a mental hospital for electroshock treatment on the spot, without trial or investigation. Because not everyone could read something like, «July 15th. My sister caught me masturbating in front of the mirror in her underwear again. I was so upset that I didn't even go out that evening to make another sacrifice to the Almighty. I think the TV is spying on me. It smelled of purple radiation all evening. The teacher said that sniffing glue won't lead me to anything good.» Believe me, Olga: you can't trust your thoughts to paper or people! Only to a cool white friend standing in the toilet can you fearlessly pour out your soul – he will understand everything and won't ask stupid questions.

Hair here and there

I have a lot of hair growing on my body. Lots of it on my chest and even on the top of my palm. Now it's starting to appear on my face too. I've tried removing the hair with a special cream, but it takes a long time and the cream takes a long time too. Could this be some kind of disorder? Please help me.

Alisa

This is completely normal: you're simply a victim of the cycle of radioactive decay products in nature. Surely in a past life, you were the head of a large oil refinery and sank a tanker in the middle of a pristine sea — and now you're getting your comeuppance: karma, and all that bullshit. In general, I don't understand why you're so upset about your hairy chest: with such an artifact, you could star in super-exclusive porn for crazy money. Or, at worst, change your gender — then everything will be fine. By the way, advanced users use gasoline or napalm to remove body hair — I highly recommend it.

What if it hurts?

I have a great boyfriend, we've been together for six months. Just recently, we decided to have sex for the first time. It started out great, but then it started hurting so much that he realized it and immediately stopped. In the end, we never had it. He's open to trying again, but I'm afraid of that pain. Maybe there's something wrong with me?

Natasha:

You see, Natasha, it's pretty hard to answer your question definitively without all the necessary information. First, what kind of sex did you have: anal, oral, or vaginal? Second, what size penis does your boyfriend have? Maybe he's impotent, so he wore a double-ended, 25-centimeter clip-on penis with steel spikes? And tied you to a radiator with barbed wire while simultaneously hanging six-kilogram weights from your nipples. Or maybe you weren't alone, and the discomfort was caused by your boyfriend's pet giraffe, which he previously pumped full of sex stimulants? You should try having sex with your boyfriend again, film the whole thing, and send it to us and we'll sort it out in a small group over a beer or two.

I knew that he would leave me

I met a man much older than me. Our great love promised a happy future. But he took advantage of me and left me. I had a premonition, but I still gave in to our love. Now I feel terribly bad, I'm depressed, and I eat all the time to calm my nerves. What should I do?

Katya

Aha, another story from the «If you want great and pure love, come to the hayloft tonight» series. Heh, Katya, to calm your nerves, you need to not only eat, but also drink! And vodka, if possible! And as for giving in to great love, remember once and for all — all men need only one thing… or rather, only seven (the rule of seven «t»): eat, drink, fuck, sleep, pee, poop, and vomit. All other functions, like generating compliments and declarations of love, are not essential for the male body, and therefore work in the background exclusively for one, well-known purpose. I still don't understand why they don't teach girls this in school.

Will dancing harm me?

I'm very thin, or rather, skinny. I have thin, bowed legs, big knees, and shins like sticks. I used to do choreography. Now I've decided to make up for lost time. Do you think it will help my legs become more beautiful? If I start dancing again, won't I lose even more weight?

Irina

Who knows about choreography, but if you, Irina, in addition to thin, bowed legs, also have an incredibly large head, long, gnarled fingers, and blue skin, then you're an alien from outer space who apparently ate too many mushrooms and thinks she's a girl named Irina, who's into dancing.

I don't like my belly

I have a problem. I'm a tall, thin girl, but my belly has been growing lately. It makes me look completely disproportionate. I don't follow any diets, but I try to eat healthy. Maybe it's some kind of disease? Can you tell me how to get rid of this disgusting belly?

Masha

My God, what kind of interactive cabinet of curiosities is this? Nothing but hairy women writing, rickety aliens, and dystrophic people with bloated bellies. Although, in your case, Masha, everything is crystal clear: if your stomach hurts, it means someone is living in it. Don't repeat your parents mistakes — use condoms.

He throws me out of the studio.

My boyfriend has his own band. But during rehearsals, he kicks all the girls out of the studio and leaves only the guys, explaining that we have nothing to do with the creative process. But I swear, I also really like the music they play, and I live for the songs they sing. But arguing with my boyfriend is useless. Is this normal?

Sveta, 16 years old

Of course it's normal! He's probably been trying to get you to have sex for two years now, and the most he's achieved is banging around the entryways. So the guy has become bluer than the Caspian Sea, what did you expect. They'll screw around with the guys from the band and curse the women. — Yes, Vasya, yes!!! Ah, deeper! Deeper. It's because of girls like you that we lose normal guys. You're always asking for sunset kisses, vodka, ice cream, and moonlit songs. And the fact that the guy's already on his third zipper and his hands are covered in bloody blisters doesn't bother you. So you got what you deserved, you frigid parasite!

I'm considered a slowpoke.

Recently, my parents and I moved to a different neighborhood, and I transferred to a different school. I ended up in a bad class; everyone there smokes and drinks.

But I don't drink or smoke, so people make fun of me and call me a retard. At home, I'm happy and uninhibited, but at school, I speak quietly, feel shy, and withdraw. I just can't get a grip!

Albina, 15 years old

Albina, don't get lost! Let your classmates find you lying in the toilet one day in a pool of vomit, with dark circles under your eyes, surrounded by a pile of cigarette butts, several bottles of vodka, and a used syringe—it will have the most beneficial effect on your unspoken school rating. Stop showering, collect empty bottles, make friends with punks and drug addicts.

Any first-grader knows that if you drink, smoke, and get high, the only thing cooler than you is Margaret Thatcher's ass.

And to anyone who calls you a slowpoke, hit them with a crowbar in the ear. Look at that, you homegrown sorcerers...

I'm so nasty.

My boyfriend loves me very much. But he wants to have sex with me. I've refused for now; I want to remain a virgin until marriage. But he's really insistent. He recently said that if I don't touch his penis with my hand, he'll leave me. I was really scared that I'd be alone, so I touched it. And then cum flew out of his penis and got all over my hand. I'm so disgusting, I hate myself for it!

Olya, 17 years old

Olya, I think you're exaggerating the tragedy. If he asked you to poop on a transparent table, while he lay underneath it, watching the feces fall, masturbating, and scrubbing his ass with a toilet brush? In that case, I would see some cause for concern. And here's a two-minute business: to do a quick pat. There was this girl in our class, her name was Yana, and she'd give you such amazing blow jobs for a jam pie! And squeezing someone's warhead for physics homework—that's a no-brainer. And no problem: she grew up and became a ballerina. All her friends are jealous!

I have a lot of complexes.

My breasts look underdeveloped. Boys ignore me. But I want a boyfriend, love.

All girls are like girls. But I have a great complex about this and don’t feel like a beautiful girl.

Help me, otherwise I don’t know what to do with myself!!!

Tanya, 15 years old

Yes, Tanya, you are a complete ugly thing! You will never have a boyfriend, and during the prom you will be crying in the toilet, because no normal guy will want to dance with you. Listen, there is nothing more pathetic than small breasts. Flat-chested, that’s probably what they call you in class. And don’t scare us with your suicidal tendencies, you can’t even hang yourself. Rickety hysterics like you have neither normal tits nor character. By the way, you can find soap and rope at the hardware store. Ha-ha-ha. I’m kidding, of course I’m kidding, Tanya. Everything is fine with you. Many women had small breasts, but they dedicated themselves to science and never gave up. Marie Skłodowska-Curie, Sofia Kovalevskaya—let these intellectual giants be an example to you. And leave the boys to your sexier friends; you don't have to waste your time on them.

I haven't had anyone yet.

I'm already twelve years old, and I still haven't had sex with a guy. All my friends talk about their boyfriends. That they kiss them, hug them, and then do it. And I feel retarded. Maybe I have some kind of problem?

Kat, 12 years old

No, you're not retarded! You're just stupid! When I was twelve, I told all the boys in the neighborhood in detail how Ana de Armas gave me a blow job with a mellophone in her hand, while Elisha Cuthbert crawled around on her knees, begging me to leave her a little. I also told how Katya from 9th grade and Natasha from 11th once locked themselves in the school locker room with me, put a green condom on me, and asked me to fuck them thoroughly. But in fact, at that time, the most erotic event in my life was masturbating in the toilet onto a Mickey Mouse cartoon.

This is just awful.

I've been masturbating since I was thirteen. But everything was fine back then. And recently, I've been masturbating with various objects for a month straight. Usually a candlestick. And now my left labia has turned black and is larger than the right one. It looks so awful. I have a boyfriend, Arthur, and we love each other. He hints that he wants me. But I'm afraid that when he sees my swollen, black lip, he won't want to know me. What should I do?

Vika, 16 years old

I'm shocked, dear editor. You should have thought of masturbating with a baseball bat or a piece of rebar. What an idiot! Oh, Vika, I'm sorry, I'm supposed to be a psychologist and I'm supposed to be comforting you. I should have told you that everything is fine, the main thing is for you to not have any insecurities, and then your boyfriend will accept you for who you are. And that you should also see a gynecologist. But I'd rather give you a purely guy-friendly prescription, without any twists. Take some gouache and paint your right lip black, for symmetry. And get your macho man drunk on vodka until he's out of his mind and give yourself to him as much as you want while he sees green circles before his eyes. Or no, better yet, douse yourself from head to toe with gasoline in Red Square and set yourself on fire. Hey, that's cool too!

I'm tired of being a bunny.

My boyfriend constantly calls me pet names like kitty, pussy, bunny, and stuff like that.

I haven't really known him for very long, he's a good, serious young man, but his slang confuses me a little. It seems to me that in real life he's a soft, weak-willed person. How can I test him?

Loli, 16 years old

Well, how can you test him? Give him a hard blow to the coconuts with an iron club and you'll find out right away. If he immediately hits you in the face with brass knuckles, then he's a real man, a good guy! But if he rolls at your feet, licks your boots, and begs you to beat him half to death with a whip, then he's a bit weak-willed. But in general, it's really not right to call you pussy or kitten. It's better if he calls you a dicksucker or an asshole.

The bed reminds me of him.

Two years ago I met a guy. He was my first man, and after that, his attitude towards me changed dramatically. Then his ex-girlfriend told me that while he were dating me, he was dating her, telling his friends what a naive fool I was. I can't forgive myself for giving myself to some hot-ass rapper. Now I'm dating a guy, he loves me madly, but I feel like I'll never love him. Every day, my bed reminds me of him.

Yana, 17 years old

What should you do? Invite your hot-ass rapper over for tea, and then tie him to the bed, like it's about to be an S&M party. He'll definitely fall for it. Then, take an axe and chop him and his love bed into a bloody mess. You might even feel better, relieve some of the stress.

To date or not to date?

I love a guy, his name is Kolya. I know for sure that he likes me. But there is a problem. Last year I told him that I like him. But he still hasn't responded. My friends introduced me to another guy, Grisha, he offered to be my friend, and I agreed to date him. And yet, I have my doubts. The thing is, Grisha and I kissed, and afterward I felt incredibly uneasy, downright bad. I think I did the wrong thing by becoming friends with him, because Kolya, the guy I love, could offer me friendship. So should I date Grisha or not?

Lena

Lena, you watch too many Brazilian soap operas. Personally, I don't understand a damn thing about your plans. Kolya, Lesha, Senor Leoncio, Juan Antonio Samaranch… You've set up some cheap affairs here, damn it, some kind of Lady Winter. Again, one can only guess what kind of friendship Grisha offered if it makes you sick. Didn't he wash it, his friendship? Who needs such unwashed suitors? And anyway, forget about guys and all that love-carrot stuff. It's all bullshit! Better collect stamps. Or Pokémon.

He wants an adult relationship.

I'm going out with a guy, and everything's great. But he's already seventeen. Soon, like any normal guy, he'll want a mature relationship. But I think that's too early for me, at fifteen. I don't know how our conversation will end.

Olya

Yes, Olya, the situation you described is so familiar I cry. If you only knew how many pints of vodka and horse stimulant I've wasted on fifteen-year-old fools like that. And the result is zero — nothing but «it's too early for me,» «mom won't let me,» and «let's be friends.» What the hell kind of conversation do you have with him? This seventeen-year-old should have a monument erected to him in his lifetime for listening for hours to your thrice-stupid nonsense about the «stupid Minecraft,» «the sweet Justin Bieber» and «Natasha's new blouse.» Give it to him, already!