How I masturbated at the clinic for a spermogram.

I had a friend who was trying to have a child with his wife, but it just wasn't working out. And then one day he said:

I need to go to the clinic and get my little ones checked. Get a spermogram.

He went and checked. He came back gloomy. It turned out he had few sperm, and they themselves were lazy, like seals at a rookery. They didn't swim toward their target, but lay on their sides, waiting for the egg to crawl to them, apologize for the disturbance, and be gently fertilized.

And then a truly profound thought comes to my mind:

«Fuck. I'm also interested in what's going on there.»

I decided that I also needed to go and have a spermogram.

I prepared myself like a responsible person. I didn't drink or masturbate for a week. The alcohol was tough, but manageable. But masturbating was more difficult, because there was a rubber vagina from Amazon in my nightstand, literally calling me back to the sordid stability of sin. But curiosity won out.

After all, it’s not every day that you go and get tested to see how well your future children can swim.

I arrive at the clinic. Everything is routine there, without a shred of respect for the moment. Sign here. Sign here. Wash your dick over there. Wipe your hands with this. Here's the jar. Here's the room. Jerk off there. Cum here.

I'm standing there with this jar and I feel like someone who would drop everything right now and go home. But, damn! I'm so fucking curious!

I walk into the room. It smells of bleach. No signs of masturbation. A typical medical office. Only the lights are a little dim. For a better masturbation, I guess! A row of several half-chairs, half-lounges, like at the beach. I go to the far corner. I sit down. I take out the lube I brought from home earlier. I open my phone to search the internet for something inspiring. I pull down my pants. I sit on the chair, dick in one hand, lube in the other, and try to find masturbatory zen.

And then the door is kicked open. A man comes in.

He's also holding a jar. I'm sitting there, my dick half-erect, looking at him, slightly stunned. The guy looks at me. He nods in greeting. I automatically nod back, because apparently, even in a collective sperm donation situation, good manners are the last thing to die. And you have to be friendly.

He stands right in the middle of the room, pulls his jeans down to the floor, spits loudly into his palm, and begins to jerk off furiously. It sounds like a carpenter sanding a slat.

Then he releases his penis, spits again into his palm, and continues. And all this with such a focused expression, as if he weren't jerking off next to a stranger in a clinic, but saving the country from demographic collapse.

I'm sitting there. I have lube in one hand, my dick in the other, and I catch myself freaking out, just staring at some guy jerking off for two minutes now. As the friction dries out, he periodically spits on it.

Then I finally can’t stand it and ask:

Maybe lubricants?

The man stops. He looks at me. Then at the bottle. Then at me again.

— No, I don't drink. I'm driving.

I speak:

— No, it's lubricant.

He keeps looking at me as if I were offering him work in Oriflame or Faberlic.

— Well, lube. For jerking off. Here.

And, to shorten the path between misunderstanding and enlightenment, I drip a little onto my palm and demonstrate the principle of operation using my own example.

— Ah-ah-ah

… the man perks up. Okay, come on.

He approaches and extends his palm.

I drip some lubricant onto his palm.

He makes a couple of movements, freezes, and then with absolutely sincere delight says:

Oh-oh-oh, holy shit. This is so good!

And at that moment, I realized I might be witnessing the greatest technological breakthrough in his sex life. Because his reaction made it seem like he'd been using nothing but saliva his whole life.

The man came quickly. Grunting, writhing, and missing. These days, the jar isn't the diameter of a basketball hoop. The man got ready and left.

I was left alone, caught my breath and tried to get back to my task.

I had just started to get myself in the right frame of mind when the door opened again. A man came in. A different one.

And now I'm no longer at a loss. So, as someone with experience, I immediately ask in a businesslike manner:

Lubricants?

And I hand him the bottle.

But this one turned out to be a professional. He had his own.

And you know what? I wasn't even surprised. Nothing ever surprised me anymore.

So a guy came in to jerk off nearby. So he got out his lube. Oh well.

A typical Tuesday, a typical clinic, a typical jerk-off with a stranger. We ended up coming almost simultaneously. In sync. Almost like Olympic swimmers, only the discipline was noticeably worse.

My life experience when I jerked off in the same room with strangers and at the same time acted as a lubricant ambassador.

When it was all over, I walked out and went to the nurse: «Tell me,» I said, «do you always have several people there? And no partitions?» It's like a wanking hut.

It turned out there was a partition screen in the room. Like an accordion. It was like a VIP wank-off box, damn!

But we didn't see it. No one did.

Or rather, maybe we did, but who cared? No time for interior design. But at least I'm not afraid of a group masturbation anymore!

I'm just wondering, there's only one screen for the entire room. What if there's an influx of patients? Then what? Should everyone sit in a circle and jack off?

By the way, everything was fine with the tests.

1. No girl will cook a complex dish for herself alone.

2. 90% of girls are not happy with their figure.

3. Most girls under 25 can refuse a serious relationship with a guy if they are more than 2 years older than the guy.

4. Girls never envy their rival’s intelligence; external data is considered a more important indicator for them.

5. Any girl will worry about the breakup of a long-term relationship for more than a year, even if she did not experience any feelings for her partner.

6. When three or more girls get together, they talk about men.

7. Almost all girls smoke occasionally, but prefer not to admit it to their partner.

7. Girls are able to buy jeans a couple sizes smaller, thereby gaining an incentive to lose weight.

8. There are no girls indifferent to cosmetics. Even if a girl doesn’t wear makeup, she still has a huge amount of “jars and bottles” at home.

9. Sometimes girls are more attracted to the original box than the gift in it. A girl keeps bows, ribbons, and beautiful gift wrappers for years.

10. Most girls keep text messages, postcards, and notes from their favorite guys.

11. At the age of 10-14, girls in flocks fall in love with the same boy, and notify each other about this, and jealousy has no place here.

12. If you think a girl might have a crush on you, ask her friends about it. Moreover, the more friends she has, the greater the likelihood of finding out the truth. Girls can't keep their mouths shut

13. Girls love notebooks with beautiful covers and buy them, even if they don’t need them.

14. Be afraid if a girl is in a bad mood! If you try to talk to her, she will find something to be offended by. if you don’t pay attention to her, she will be even more offended!

15. All girls have complexes about their appearance.

16. Most girls don't like bodybuilders.

17. A girl can cry just like that. For no reason.

18. A girl may be upset by a phrase you throw at her with a dissatisfied or offended tone. Moreover, the tone can be neutral. It just seemed that way to her

19. If a girl has a problem, she definitely needs to discuss it with her friends. It doesn’t matter over a bottle of beer or a cup of tea. The main thing is to discuss!

20. Girls do not like young people who treat animals poorly.

21. Girls like aggressive guys, but they prefer to start a serious relationship with kind ones

22. Fix the wiring or electrical appliance at the girl’s request and grow in her eyes to the level of a deity. Almost all girls are afraid of technology

23. Girls never keep contacts of ex-boyfriends. To avoid the temptation to call

24. Gaining 1 kilogram is fatal for a girl! At least a bad mood is guaranteed during the week!

25. Girls are able to gorge themselves on muesli, fruit, oatmeal, that is, what guys don’t consider food at all.

26. If you just wrote an SMS to a girl, be sure that she no longer just “knows” that you like her, she is almost sure that you love her!

27. If you asked a girl out on a date at 9 pm, know that she started getting ready at 5, but will still be late because at the last moment some naughty hair didn’t want to get ready.

28. You can date a girl for several months, but never see her without makeup. If, after all, she appears to you without makeup, know that now she trusts you!

30. It’s hard to tear a girl away from the window of a store where there are a lot of bright trinkets. There is a magpie inside every girl!

31. Girls keep the flowers you give them for a long time. They dry them out!

32. When dressing, girls most often wear a jacket, and only then trousers. And the guys will put on their pants first.

33. A girl can wear a thin blouse at –30. She won’t wear a thick sweater that visually makes her look fatter even on pain of death.

34. Every girl considers it her duty to feed her boyfriend to his fullest. Moreover, the more weight you gain, the more happy she will be.

35. If a girl is silent, things are bad. A storm is coming!

36. Almost all girls dream of getting married since childhood. And they've been planning a wedding since childhood

37. No girl will wake up at night and go to the refrigerator. And in general, the female half of humanity sincerely does not understand how you can wake up at night because you want to eat

38. Most girls won't wait for you to make the first move. Moreover, until you tell her directly that you don’t like her, she won’t leave you.

39. If you didn't like what the girl prepared, it's a low blow. You may not even say it, but she will still figure it out in some incomprehensible way.

40. Girls always pay attention to little things. Right down to the pattern on the wallpaper.

41. 90% of girls are sure that their every new love: “this is forever, this is love, I’m sure.” And they have already mentally calculated their subsequent life with the guy until their death

42. If a friend’s eyelashes are longer than a girl’s eyelashes, this is a serious reason for envy

43. There are no girls who are satisfied with the size of their breasts. You need either more or less. Always!

44. Not having the right size of a blouse you like in a store can upset a girl for at least a week!

45. Beautiful earrings, ring, etc. a friend has a serious reason not just for hostility, but for real hatred!

46. ​​Not being able to dance is a serious problem for a girl!

47. If you speak unflatteringly about a girl’s external qualities, this can provoke the development of a complex.

48. Girls are afraid to go out without makeup, even to a store 5 minutes walk from home

49. Buying and choosing a gift for a guy’s birthday takes at least 2 weeks

50. Girls wash dishes after eating, not before, like guys.

Why the hell do some jobs forbid sitting down?

Sure, a salesperson needs to serve the customer and answer all their questions when they show up. But when there are no customers, why can't they sit? Is this some kind of relic of a slave-owner mentality? Is it a virus of sheer idiocy? What do you think?

Remember, using a phone while driving is prohibited by law. Instead, use the huge iPad built into your car and scroll through 50 settings to turn on the navigation or air conditioning.

There are plenty of these tropes—and not just in American detective stories and action movies. Productions sometimes display staggering idiocy too—but I’ve picked out five that simply make me laugh.

1. The hero is a loser who’s been fired or demoted. His wife has left him. He’s drinking himself to death. He’s a psychopath. A total piece of work. Yet, we’re shown this pathetic specimen suddenly pulling off twenty-six heroic feats in a row, taking out every single villain. It seems the screenwriters are drinking themselves to death, too.

2. The hero invariably keeps a stash of newspaper clippings in a special drawer. Close-ups of the headlines: «Horrific Murder in the Bronx,» «Mysterious Disappearance,» «God Knows What Happened, But Let’s Make the Audience Worry.» He holds onto these clippings and hauls them around his whole life; he has absolutely no other treasures.

3. The hero learns the most important information from the TV. He walks into a bar to down a whiskey with his last few bucks, and behold!—the TV announces the very news the plot hinges on. The news anchor might as well be looking right at the hero and saying, «Oh, you made it? Here’s a news item just for you!» All the other characters—the bad guys included—find everything out from the TV too, like the fact that they’re wanted by the police and need to get out of town. It’s nothing but television.

4. The hero suddenly discovers he has a long-lost child or an elderly father—someone he hasn’t spoken to in years. The dad is handy for the finale, of course: the hero gives him a hug and realizes the value of family. And the kid is a total gem, because he’s convenient for the bad guy to take hostage (having obviously learned the address from TV)—allowing the hero not only to realize the value of family but also to articulate it to the child: «I’ve wronged your mother, your grandmother, and your dog; and I’m also guilty of spouting all this crap instead of just putting a bullet in the screenwriter.»

5. A mini psychoanalysis session. It invariably features the line: «You know what your problem is?» Usually, the bad guy delivers this while the good guy is bleeding out with a gun pointed at his face. The bad guy then identifies the problem—typically some utter nonsense like «You love your job too much, John»—but the scene simply wouldn't work without that «problem.» I feel the problem should be something like: «You kept those newspaper clippings too carefully, John.» That alone should be enough for the hero to pull himself together and kill the bad guy, avenging the desecrated newspaper clippings.

What’s the first thing to do after losing your virginity? That’s right: brag to your best friend. I went over to her place and told her everything in detail—from the foreplay my boyfriend tenderly lavished on me to our attempts to inject some passion into the actual deflowering. The story got us both so worked up that we started hugging, and the whole thing turned into a six-hour marathon in bed that lasted until dawn. It’s been nearly five years since then, and my memories of losing my virginity aren't linked to the boyfriend, but to my friend. I still think back to that night and wonder if I’ll ever have sex with that level of sincerity and mutual connection again.

* * *

To each their own… I had a dream last night that a dog was fucking me. It was awful… but in the dream, it felt good—almost to the point of orgasm. I’ve only watched bestiality porn once or twice in my life; I stumbled upon it by accident on the internet ages ago. In real life, I’ve never had—and hopefully never will have—desires like that :D

* * *

I’m a girl, and I love porn. During sex, I always imagine how I look from the outside—with a cock in my mouth, in the doggy-style position, or with semen on my chest. That «director’s eye» perspective really turns me on. Plus, you can always adjust your pose to make it look more aesthetic.

* * *

There have been plenty of times when I was masturbating and got that coveted «What are you up to?» message in my private chats. Naturally, my reply contains anything *but* the truth. But it makes me damn curious: how many times have I been an unwitting accomplice to someone else’s pleasurable activity without even realizing it?

* * *

Do you know what sexual hopelessness feels like? It’s when you’re used to masturbating by stimulating your clitoris while squeezing your legs together. I don't experience vaginal orgasms; I tried using my fingers during sex but realized I couldn't replicate what I do when I'm alone—and consequently, I couldn't climax. The medical term for this situation is «sexual solitude.» It’s incredibly frustrating, and it’s impossible to unlearn the habit now. Ladies, don't do this—you end up developing a conditioned reflex.

* * *

Before giving my first blowjob, I thought it was disgusting, gross—just totally yuck. But now, I can’t even imagine a morning or evening without giving one. The feeling of him trusting you with such an important part of himself makes you fall even more in love. And that moment when he holds my hand or places his hands on my head… mmm, it just blows my mind. There’s no feeling more arousing than that!

* * *

My ex was a sick bastard… He’d ask me not to wash up before oral sex, and he wouldn't wash his own cock either—it turned him on. He wanted me to pee on him and into his mouth. After he came inside me, he liked to gather it all up with his mouth and transfer it to me so I’d swallow it. He even asked me to take a shit during sex once (though I never actually worked up the nerve for that). He came up with all sorts of other stuff, too… Anyway, I loved him madly, so I did it all… Then he left me—even though we had a child together—and now he’s on his own. I wonder if he’ll ever find someone else willing to do the same things just out of love for him.

* * *

I used to love doggy style in all its variations, but then I started seeing an older man. He doesn't like that position; he thinks it’s «con-style» (like something you’d do in prison). At first, I thought, «Well, shit, that’s a bummer.» But it turned out to be a good thing—I climax like crazy in the missionary position because he moves just right; it feels amazing inside *and* puts pressure on my clitoris. Every time, I’m on the verge of tears because the sensation is so good. Plus, he doesn't just spin me around the bed on his dick—pardon the expression.

* * *

I have a wild craving for sex with a woodcarver. I just imagine: if he can create such masterpieces out of wood, what could he do to me with those hands?

Been working out, you know, not fanatically, whenever I have time or not too lazy. One thing really showed results is kettlebell. Not results in a bodybuilding senses. Results do show and are more noticeable than if I would use dumbbells. And my lower back does not hurt as much. Doing swings I guess. So yea, picked up this 35lb and just got moving.

I don't understand how this is possible. I watched Michael Jackson die, Maradona die, Pele die, Queen Elizabeth die. I watched three popes pass away. I lived through a pandemic, I saw the internet begin. I watched CDs give way to Spotify, DVDs give way to Netflix, landlines give way to iPhones. And I'm witnessing the rise of AI. And I'm only 30 years old.